Hi! You're looking...um...summer-y. What do you say we haul our carcasses to the nearest Taco Bell? You can order a couple dozen gorditas whilst we lounge over a super-sized vodka-spiked Sprite. Sounds hilarious, doesn't it bro? We KNOW!
So it's like this. We've never hated on you. Sure, you are famous only for the dippy broad you banged. You embarked on a meteoric rap career wherein your freshman effort went pewter. But after the divorce, when your ex was busily shaving her head, flashing her hair pie and dropping the issue of your loins on their soft lil' noggins, you became the responsible one. And although we know we're entirely alone in this (and we're likely to lose our readers' respect with this shameful admission), we always secretly thought you were something of a hottie, in a trailer-trash-crystal-meth-guest-star-on-COPS kinda way.
As your baby momma disappoints thousands with her spectacular lip-sync-to-gawdawful-music-whilst-dressed-like-a-pole-dancing-circus-whore tour, you're being paid $30,000 a month to babysit your own children. That's a truly excellent gig, and it leads us to believe that you're no dimwit; you know exactly which side your bread is buttered on. Which brings us to our point: You could stand to cut back a tad on both the bread and the butter.
It's like this: just because you're pulling in 30 g's this month doesn't necessitate investing it all in Ho-hos, Little Debbies and Ringdings.
Dude. You're big as a house.
The thing is, we really don't have a beef against fatties (as long as they purchase two seats if they insist on flying coach). Okay, perhaps we've ridiculed Val Kilmer, Simon Lebon, Oprah Winfrey and thunder-thighs herself, Nikki Hilton. But that's just 'cause we care too much. Honest.
As you waddle hither and yon in that seck's-y Chairman Mao capri pants ensemble you picked up at Tents-4-Tanks Discount Big-n-Tall Emporium, scientists are finding oodles of new ways fatties die of fattiosity. Their hearts fart to a stop. They get the diabetes. They fall through floors. They snap bungee cords and elevator cables. And as we learned from Bugs Bunny, to a Tasmanian Devil they look like yummy hams.
Worse still, a new study undertaken by the University of California has shown that folks with excessive gravitational pull have smaller brains. Their fat bodies are choking their noggins with all the fat.
The results are incontrovertible: fatsos are dumb. This, among other things, explains the Southern Baptists.
So drop the malomars and the yodels, stat. Pick up jogging, K-Fed, you've been K-Fed enough.
Otherwise, as science demonstrates, your new nickname will soon be Special K.
K-Fed sez: "Science has shown that subscribing to this blog's feed makes you less dumb and stuff"