Y'all saw the videe-oh of dat boy who come to my church "Manifested M*therf*ckin Glory Ministries" for whatchoo call a hummaseckshul exorcism. Y'all watch dat sh*t when I, Pastor Patricia "Hooba-joo" McKinney (ex crack addick, high priestess of da voo-doo hooba-joo) say "Ooo! I finks dat boy gots da debbul in his belly!" Then a fat-azz bruvah hump him from behine til da batty-boy barf out da deminz into da Hefty bag! Hooba-joo!
But since den, y'all been all up in a pastorz grill, sayin dis-and-dat 'bout how da hooba-joo all whack. Den y'all saw me on dat CNN nooz show when I say "Don't go messin wif a sistah's hooba-joo, chile! I puts da voodoo mojo on yo noggin!"
So let me axe you sumpin. Did you shake yo nazz-tay bootie in a parade yessadee? Was you wearin nuffin but pasties an' a buttplug? Did yo stank azz git possessed by da deminz of homo pride? Well set yo azz down. I, Pastor Patricia "Hooba-joo" McKinney be fixin to skool yo azz on step-by-step instuckshinz on how to fro yo gay hummaseckshul deminz out on they azz!
- Firs: Y'all gots to remember dat "deminz" standz for "de menz." So if you git jiggy wif de menz, it mean y'alls gots a deminz in yo bod-ay. Dats how y'all knows you gots to do a ecksa-shizzims.
- Seckind: Y'all gots to rattle some chicken bonez in a soup can (it don't mattah what kinda soup, foo...just make sho you wash da split pea and pork outa dat sh*t firs). Rattle dem bones an fro dem on de flo. Hooba-joo!
- Fird: Lay yo skinny azz down on de flo, punk.
- Fif: Axe yoself if you wants to A) BE Beyonce, or B) bounce Beyonce's boot-ay froo da ceilin. If you answer "A" den you gotz to holla: "Oh lawd! I gots da deminz in my belly! Get yo azz out my belly, mistah deminz!" Hooba-joo!
- Sixf: Y'all gots to sang dis song (to da tune of "Lord Won't You Buy Me a Mercedes Benz")
OH, LAWD HELP ME STOP GITTIN JIGGY WIF MENZ
WHO POKIN THEY BIZZNISS IN BOFE OF MY ENDZ
DA VOGUERS AND POGUERS THOSE PUNKS AIN'T MY FRIENDZ
I WANTS TO FRO STONEZ, SO GIT RID OF THESE SINZ
REMOVE, LAWD THE TURNSTYLE I BUILT ON MY BUTT
MY POO HOLE'S A NEW HOLE, THE ENTRY'S NAILED SHUT
IT DON'T TAKE DELIVERIES OF MANLY MENZ NUT
CHRIST IS DA ONLY MAN 'LOWED IN MY GUT
- Sebbinf: Y'all gots to jerk 'round on da flo like yo azz is starring in "Breakin 2: Da Electric Boogaloo." Hooba-joo!
- Eightf: Y'all gots to stop sayin' "fierce," "beeyotch," "faboo," "clinique," "liza," and "shantay." Yo new words are "Jeebus," "Chrise," "buh-dunk-a-dunk," "yo," "word," "poontang," and "hooba-joo."
- Ninf: Y'all gots to imagine yoself in da bosom of da lawd Jeebus Chrise, feelin his fine-azz arms 'round yo azz, yo head restin on Hiz toned chest, smellin' the sweet masculine musk froo hiz robe. Ooo! It get hot in here all sudden-like!
- Tenf: Y'all gots to get a fat negro sistah like me sit on yo azz til you barf out da deminz into a Hefty bag. Hooba-joo!
Pastor Patricia "Hooba-joo" McKinney sez: "Oh lawd, please help me resist the temptation to pick up the crack pipe again and subscribe to dis blog's feed."