As the King of Pop was transported to Roswell for his autopsy, the world has gone briefly bonkers. Flash mob mourners, Texans conducting sing-a-longs of "Blame it on the Boogie" at the Alamo, Al Sharpton moonwalking in front of The Apollo, and pederasts everywhere are flying their pants at half-mast. (sound of crickets chirping) Too soon?
Ahem. Even on Capitol Hill, congress found the time between bickering and being rusty-tromboned by lobbyists to have a moment of silence for the dude. Where was Farrah's moment of silence? She was an icon too and managed to do it without being the least bit molest-y.
We digress. In the last 24 hours, as humanity witnessed itself pantomiming "The Day the Earth Stood Still" in reverse (about a spaceman leaving our planet), and while boomboxes blaring "Thriller" drown out/outnumber the voices of dwindling Iranian protests, some...um...other stuff was going down.
NORTH KOREA staged one of their cute hootenannies during which they poutily declared that America is "asking for the calamitous situation of having a fire shower of nuclear retaliation" rain down upon us (goodness, that'll teach us to ask for calamitous situations!). Then they all goose-stepped to a lovely labrador barbecue.
THOSE HILARIOUS SOMALIANS held a lil' hoe-down of their own, during which Islamists dragged four young men (each declared guilty of robbery, each screaming their innocence) into the public square, whereupon the godly types macheted a hand and a foot from each before a rabid crowd of amputation fetishists. The fresh amputees now look forward to being fitted with their peg-legs and hook-hands as they prepare for their new careers in the pirate industry.
IN DAZZLING DOWNTOWN SADDER-CITY a thoughtful Sunni delivered a lovely Congrats-For-No-Longer-Being-Occupied-by-American-Forces Gift: a shrapnel-riffic bouquet of explosives that took the lives of 70 less-than-grateful Shiites.
THE LOVELY MS. AYATOLLAH AHMAD KAHTAMI pushed to reward arrested Iranian protesters with neckties made of rope; not to be outdone, swarthy matinee idol Mahmoud Ahmedinejad chastised Obama for being a buttinsky, thereby positioning himself as a Democrat (seeing as how Republicans have chastised Barack for not being sufficiently buttinksy-esque).
RWANDANS, apparently wistful for genocide past, are skipping down memory lane by getting themselves slaughtered anew in the jungles of the Democratic Republic of Congo.
THE CHARMING FOLKS OF KENYA held a good old-fashioned witch burning, during which a reporter for the BBC witnessed five elderly folks being tossed on a fire and burned alive for rudely causing a little boy (a diagnosed epileptic) to have a fit.
W00T!! I DID IT AGAIN: A GAMER SITTING IN A CAVE AT NORAD got all upset and stuff when the words "GAME OVER" flashed on his screen after the drone he was controlling accidentally missed his target 8,500 miles away in South Waziristan, and instead got a little killy with 65 folks who had the bad taste to attend a funeral.
But really, who cares about that stuff?
Sing along now: "It's true we'll make a better world, just you and me..."
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