A few weeks ago, employees at the North German Bremerhaven Zoo yodeled "hello" to a new arrival; two homosexual male penguins called "Z" and "Vielpunkt" hatched a chick. Despite previous efforts by zoo personnel to convince them to do the hippity-dippity with girl penguins, Z and Vielpunkt remain devoted to each other. So not long ago, after two traditionally-married penguins expressed their commitment to family values by shoving an unwanted egg from their nest, it was given to the Z-Vielpunkts, who doted over the egg and show early evidence of being protective, nurturing parents.
This, of course, has Maggie Gallagher (president of the National Organization for Marriage) seeing red. Ignoring the fact that most penguins can't read, she nevertheless penned an eloquent letter to the birds to explain why their unholy union makes her queasy. We've generously provided a copy below.
Dear Z und Vielpunkt:
It has come to my attention that you are currently violating Leviticus by barfing masticated fish down the throat of an innocent penguinette. I write to let you know that in doing so, not only are you destroying the sanctity of marriage, but you might as well be puking into the mouth of Baby Jesus.
Moreover, it's rude of you (as creatures of the natural world), to commit crimes against nature. It forces us rapture-bound heterosexual Christians to envision you mincing about on an iceberg, all limp-flippered and faggy, engaging in penguin ass-sex and penguin bukkake and penguin rusty trombones. If God intended penguins to be gay, he would have given you fists instead of flippers.
What kind of upbringing are you providing for your spectacularly unfortunate baby?? True, your God-forsaken progeny was lovingly shoved out of a traditional nest and left to die, just as thousands of nancy-boys are tossed from righteous Baptist homes for listening to Cher and wearing purple scarves. But if nature had been allowed to take its course, your baby would be frolicking up in penguin heaven. As it is now, you've selfishly condemned your chick to roast in the reptilian bosom of beelzebub through all eternity. Happy now?
Perhaps you're unaware that oodles of experts (Carrie Prejean, Stephen Baldwin) have determined that those of you who prance about the Antarctic as if it was a foam dance at the Palm Springs White Party are, by your very existence, threatening life on this planet as we know it. But need I remind you that you're at a ZOO? Heavens to Betsy! How do you expect parents to explain to their children why those two boy penguins are watching Ugly Betty and teaching evolution to their child? Why I remember when my parents took me to the monkey house. I ended up throwing my poop well into my early twenties!
For God's sake, think of the children!!
Yours in Christ,
SHOUT-OUT TO HU JINTAO: Happy Tiananmen 20!!
Maggie sez: "Subscribing to this blog's feed is like having traditional parents barf fish down your throat; it's simply YUMMY!"