Glory! Hola, brothers and sisters in Jesus! The Mysterious Ways of the Holy Spirit have plagued chez Bladdersham with all manner of incidents and whoop-de-do! So before we take a running jump into this very special hump-day edition of God Beat, I thought I'd fill you in on all the goings-on in the life of your favorite mezzo-soprano inspirational choir member and ferret hobbyist. Praise!
First, my gospel choir, The Peducah Praise Singers, is getting ready to embark on a tour of Africa! As you know, our first two singles "The Devil is a Homosexual" and "Ride Me Home, Jesus" peaked at 7 and 13, respectively, on the Pentecostal Hit List. Our next song, a disco rap-hop tune called "My Fanny is an Exit (Satan Step Back From My Back Door)" caused such a stir at the Fayetteville Rapture Daze BBQ and Hootenanny that we ran out of XXL "Jesus Asks What I Would Do" t-shirts. In no time, we'd made enough money to tour Sudan, Zimbabwe, Angola, Chad and Somalia! I'm so excited I don't know what to pack! (P.S. I won the cutest scratch n' sniff Moses doll at the Hootenanny's "Mary Magdalene Bean Bag Toss" booth! Hallelujah!)
Regarding all things ferrety, you will recall that Lady Hildegarde Hoparound was decapitated by a leaf blower and her successor Lord Skippy Scamperpants met his gruesome end when he caught on fire and ran under the gas tank of Trudy Plank's Buick Skylark. But I finally put that heartache behind me and got a new ferret!! Her name is Baroness Betty Bounce-alot and she sure is the dickens! She loves sleeping in bed with me and sometimes I wake to find she's wedged herself into the strangest places. But enough silly fiddle-faddle. Let's get to the God stuff! Glory!
- PACK A ROD FOR JESUS: In Louisville (just a hop, skip and jump from Peducah), the nice Pastor Ken Pagano, who's a gun nut (but not in a sissy Freudian way) invited his flock to pack heat for a very special sermon and gun raffle. The subject of the sermon will be "Polish Your Piece For God, Pump a Round Into Satan."
- DEVIL RHINO RAPES A BUICK: What happens when we allow fairy penguins to play house? It inevitably leads to shocking displays of pachyderm-on-automobile hippity-dippity. That's sillier than a man violating the virtue of a bicycle!
- CHRIST-METAL ROCKER WEDS HOOKER FOR JESUS: Oz Fox, the aggressively coiffed front-man of God's favorite Christian hair band (Stryper) got married over the weekend to Annie Lobert, founder of "Hookers for Jesus," which aims put the "oh, God!" back into the sex trade. They enjoyed a tasteful ceremony in Vegas. At last, the sanctity has been restored to traditional marriage! Praise!
- PAT ROBERTSON DISCOVERS CAUSE OF FAGNICITY: Brother in Christ Pat Robertson, after conducting exhaustive field research, has discovered that the reason homos start listening to Cher and auditioning for Hello Dolly is because they were diddled by their little league coach! So every concerned parent out there whose little boy minces about and imitates Tinky Winky can cure their son by ensuring that he gets molested exclusively by female predators. Glory!
- EXORCISING THE HOMO SPIRIT:Patricia and Kelvin McKinney of Manifested Glory Ministries have posted an enchanting YouTube video of themselves chasing the devil sugar from a flamboyant church member (screenshots at right). While I question the wisdom of that burly negro mounting the possessed fairy from behind and trying to hump the gay out of him, I'm nevertheless reminded of one of Jesus' lesser known beatitudes: "Blessed are the obese fanatical bigots, for they shall de-nelly their flock until they barf into a white hefty bag." Amen!
Pat Robertson sez: "subscribers to this evil blog's feed were obviously molested by their badminton coach."