Hey! How's about we shoe-horn ourselves into a cozy corner booth somewhere and knock back two or twenty blue whales? Wouldn't that be the keenest? We KNOW!
So. Get a load of you. Whence dost thou jog, in your hawt Chairman Mao outfit and your uspeakably chic black Crocs with matching soccer mom man-purse? Are you sprinting from a grease fire at Dunkin Donuts? Did you just hear of a twofer sale at Tents for Tanks, a discount emporium for the fashion-conscious sperm whale?
Here's the upshot. We're not hating on fat folks. Gandolfini is a sexy mo-fo, Latifa rocks, and J-Hud is Telling You She's Not Going. And we generally prefer Fat Oprah to Skinny Oprah. This, despite recent scientific proof that as Fat Oprah's gravitational pull increases the stock market plummets, which means Oprah needs to invest in a stairmaster or liposuction (or a liposucking stairmaster), if we ever want to emerge from the current crisis.
But. Dude. Val Kilmer was Iceman in Top Gun. He was Jim Morrison in The Doors. He even put on tights and pranced around the Batcave with Boy Wonder. What happened to that dreamboat? Did you eat him?
You look like (pick one):
- Rosie O'Donnell dashing to catch the short bus
- Rosie O'Donnell fleeing the Island of Doctor Moreau, having been horrifically spliced with a sea cow
- Rosie O'Donnell chasing the Craft Services trailer as it pulls away from the curb after a long day of filming "Not Without My Crocs," an all-lesbian espionage thriller
- Rosie O'Donnell screaming "women and children first!" as passengers of her sinking cruise ship scramble for the lifeboats, just seconds before realizing every passenger on her ship is either a woman or a child and her instructions inadvertantly caused mass hysteria
- Rosie O'Donnell, just prior to dousing Elizabeth Hasselbeck with a steaming hot decaf hazelnut latte then knocking her stupid with the ham in her purse
- Bloody hell.
Jim Morrison sez: "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, subscribe to me babe."