ascension inauguration, as the fruited plain basked in the morning dew, the chorus rang from sea to shining sea: At last, the most retarded tub of paste ever to hijack our national discourse and lower our collective IQ had been consigned to the compost heap of history, or so we thought. We speak, of course, of Joe the Plumber.
To the Republicans, Mr. Sam Wurzelbacher (whose name isn't Joe and who isn't a plumber) represented something genuine; the typical American (if typical Americans had publicists). To the rest of us, he simply fit the central casting mold of a hypocritical beer swilling bigot (you know, the kinda galoot Obama infamously called "bitter," causing much bitterness amongst bitter galoots). But someone forgot to tell him that his fifteen minutes expired about six months ago, because he keeps resurfacing like anal warts.
He's managed to write a book (we KNOW!) imaginatively titled "Fighting for the American Dream" (ranked 667,697 on Amazon, impressively wedged betwixt the stunning potboiler "Peterson's Guide to Urban Wildlife" and R.C. Bell's thrilling page-turner "Discovering Old Board Games"). By contrast, Mr. Socialism himself, President Obama wrote a lil' tome called "Dreams From My Father" which was published five years ago and is ranked at 145. Note to Mr. Wurzelbacher: if fighting for the American Dream means cashing in on celebrity, Obama is far more capitalist than thou, and Paris Hilton seems to be the truer American. Oops.
Anywho, whilst shilling his cute little book on the globally revered media outlets Christianity Today and WTVG in dazzling Toledo, our bitter plumber casually tossed off the witty remark that although he has "gay friends" he doesn't want them "anywhere near his children." He also doth protest that "Men kissing each other…it throws me off. It’s not something I want around my family." Stick a pin in that for a sec, m'kay?
Meanwhile, on the VERY SAME DAY Mr. Wurzelbacher shared these insights, researchers at a French university released the results of a little experiment. Dozens of straight-identified male students consented to have instruments attached to their shame hoses while they were shown gay porno. The subjects who were determined to be homophobic (based on their answers to a survey), were shown to have significant, er, activity "down there" whilst the others who expressed no discomfort toward the Ida Lupino fan club showed little to no change in their wee donny doblin's girth/rigidity. Afterward, the same group of self identified homophobes denied any arousal whatsoever. Watch this video about the experiment, it's highly entertaining.
Ergo, no other conclusion can be reached: the reason the thought of two men kissing "throws off" Joe the Plumber is clear. It's been clinically proven that he fantasizes about frolicking with Ricky Martin in a jacuzzi, and is statistically predisposed to long for Dwayne Johnson's pants-scud to be rammed up his ass-silo.
It's scientific. Right Joe?
Joe sez: "my subscription to this blog's feed keeps my mind off of my sinful inclination to wear James Dobson's virile man ass as a beret."