They're All Going to Laugh at You: The Carrie White Guide to Unfortunate Prom Fashions

Our favorite telekinetic prom queen/blood soaked mass murderess, Carrie White, has emerged from her grave to shop around a whimsical how-to book. Released in time for prom season, we are thrilled to provide an excerpt below.

Hi! My name is Carrie White. If you're like me, the word "prom" conjures visions of tuxedo-clad jocks barfing out of the moon roofs of rented limos, and be-gowned cheerleaders having their ankles pushed behind their ears in the back of Ford Tauruses. Other sentimental images: mayhem, electrocutions, karo syrup with red food coloring. It's a momentous night in a gal's life, and it's important to get everything just right. Don't believe me? Ask the Bates High School class of 1976, may they rest in peace.

I remember when Tommy Ross asked me to the prom. I thought I'd swoon! And when my sweet mother (may she rest in peace) offered her customary sage advice, "they're all going to laugh at you," I knew it was destined to be an unforgettable affair. With that in mind, what follows are examples of ways in which unfortunate fashion choices can make an otherwise joyous event go awry (though not as awry as a prom can go, given the right cocktail of pig blood, demon-possessed fire hoses and bisected gym teachers).

When a guy and a gal get ready for the big night, it's important to be coordinated. For instance, I knew Tommy Ross (may he rest in peace) was going to wear a dreamy powder blue tux, and that's why I sewed my own dress out of pink satin, ignoring my dear mother's thoughtful observation that it lasciviously displayed my budding sin pillows.

However, if it's really important to you and your beau to be perfectly matched, it's a mistake to fashion our outfits from the paper in which the local butcher wrapped your lamb shank.

It makes you look as if those mean pranksters Chris and Billy (may they rest in peace) are up to their old shenanigans, but instead of dumping pork blood on your noggins they opted for a far more hilarious bucket of cow poop. A little constructive criticism? You look douche-y and retarded.

Next, as every gal knows it's nice to have a hobby. However, if your hobby is knitting ball gowns with your feet, I suggest avoiding the pink, maroon, violet, fuscia, orange and blood red color combination. Yet I do love how pleased you seem to be with the results. You certainly are a talented knitter.

Furthermore, I admire how, faced with a dateless prom, you knitted yourself a life-sized tuxedoed sock monkey to escort you to the festivities. Next, I might suggest knitting yourself a sense of taste and crocheting some self esteem. 

Moving on, when a gal sits down at her singer sewing machine to decide what kinda matching outfits she's going to make for herself and Dennis Rodman's effeminate autistic nephew, it's best not to use the drapes from Fook Mi's Chinese Take Out. Especially if your outfits look like pairs skating costumes for the Ghetto Ice Capades.

Because when the Prom Queen gets a bucket of KFC dumped on her noggin and she starts to go mental, the evening will end up best for you if you're not already trapped in a net.

There's something about this next prom gown. I can't put my finger in it. I mean "on" it. What could it be? Certainly it's not because it looks like an enormous sin cave. I'm sure it won't put any randy thoughts into Tommy Ross' curly blond noggin when you press your gargantuan satin hoo-hoo against his excitable adolescent underpants serpent as you spin giddily amongst the tin foil stars.

The only upside to your obscene tribute to Georgia O'Keefe is when prom is over, after your date barfs up his last ten shots of Jagermeister and coaxes you into the back seat of his daddy's Hummer, he might mistake your dress for home plate, resulting in a trip to the dry cleaners instead of the abortionist. That's the sort of smarts a gal needs, if she doesn't want to show up at next year's prom looking like this:

While it must be quite convenient for a gal to carry her prom date in her womb, we suspect this tasteful young woman forgot that her beau needs to be dressed too. 

But why so glum? Cheer up, girlfriend! You're drinking for two tonight! And the naughty boys who came stag will have very little doubt in their minds whether you're willing to ride their lil' ponies in the back of a mustang. 

However, a word of warning to the Chris Hargensens and Billy Nolans who might be lurking back stage waiting to dump a bucket of babyback ribs on her Tina Turner Thunderdome weave. Remember how crabby I got? And that was after only one visit from Aunt Flo. Yakeisha here has a lot more hormones pumping through her veins. And once you pull the chord, she's likely to do to your gymnasium what the Ayatollah wants to do to Tel Aviv.

Party hardy! Wooo!

Love,
Carrie White

P.S. When we saw this trailer on YouTube, we thought our gay lil' head would explode. "Be Italian" indeed. This is homo catnip.

Carrie sez: "My gym teacher (may she rest in peace) told me to subscribe to this blog's feed."

Comments

[Jan]

My, my - I didn't know Georgia O'Keefe designed formal apparel, to say nothing of the Gorton's Fisherman.

It's going to take awhile to expunge these from the ol' memory cells. Oh, yeah...

[Whup-Ass Master]

Howdy Jan...you should see the dozens of other pics we decided not to use. My but there's some tackiness in the world.

xox
WAM

[Preston]

OMFG, somehow I had forgotten about your blog and luckily I have stumbled upon it again! Thanks for giving me a great laugh today. I shall be back for more.

[Whup-Ass Master]

why thanks baby...glad to welcome you back into the fold. thanks us by blogrolling us.

Now go spread joy.

xox
WAM

[William]

i don't get the "be italian" quote xD being "homo catnip" :p it doesn't do anything for me at least :/ (perhaps cause i'm only bi? ;p)

other than that i could really see those dresses appear in Cannes or some MTV movie awards soon :p

[Whup-Ass Master]

William, you actually have to click on the "be italian" link, it's a trailer for the movie "Nine." And yes, it is homo catnip.

xox
WAM

[uggs outlet]

Your opinion is very good