Dear ass-whuppers: Today, we had no idea what to blog about because nothing struck us as particularly funny or interesting. Then behold, like comic mana from heaven, we found a lovely note in our spam folder from one Mr. John Enoh Ewan, the Chairman of the House Finance Committee of Nigeria (we KNOW!). And get this! He wants to give us money! Of course, this is the tiredest con on earth (known as the "spanish prisoner" or 419 scam). But we decided to have a little fun at Mr. Ewan's expense. Below, read his email to us, and our response.
I am John Enoh Ewan the Chairman House of Committee on Finance, Federal Republic of Nigeria I write to honorably request your assistance to receive amount of money into your account for safe keeping and for future investment in your country.
As chief supervisor of foreign contracts, the sum of US$25,000,000.00 (Twenty Five Million United States Dollars) is available in escrow account that I intend to transfer overseas through your assistance as a foreign partner. This money is as a result of unpaid contract amount to foreign contractors in the Niger - Delta in Petroleum industry. As soon as the contract is paid to you, I will share with you 40% and 60% for me.
You can reach me by return mail, including your full names and age, your contact address and country of origin, your company's name (if any) Your Position /Occupation, and your confidential telephone (cell) and fax number
The above information will enable me brief you more details of the transaction and also start the application process/documentation that will lead to the release of the funds to you through bank to bank transfer. While waiting for your quick response I remain your potential investment partner.
Honorable John Enoh
I was so happy to get your email, because yesterday when I was driving back from the Fayetteville Annual Mother's Day Hog Callin Contest, I hit a cow with my El Camino and now it don't run too good. What's more, my dear mother (whose size prevents her from using a safety belt) conked her noggin on the dashboard and now she thinks she's Mitzi Gaynor. I need some money to fix my car and send mother to The Wrinkle Barn, a discount home for the aged and overly-nervous.
Wow, you're a Chairman of Financing Houses in Nigeria? That must be exciting. I have a boring job. I crochet outfits for kitty cats and sell them on e-Bay. Do you have a kitty cat? I have five. Miss Kizzy, Sambo, Mammy, Fluffypants and Bojangles. Nigeria sounds neat. Is it in Europe? I don't get to travel much, mostly because I don't like foreign people or negros. You are the most important person I ever talked to! Are you single? I haven't had a date since 1993, when I lost an eye in a badminton tournament.
Tell me what I need to do to get that money! I bet I could buy a flatscreen tv set and maybe even a fake eyeball too, just like Sandy Duncan or Sammy Davis Jr.
Do you like Sandy Duncan? I do. She eats Wheat Thins.
Ms. Whupassa Stuart Masterson
Will the honorable John Enoh Ewan take the bait? We hope so; we've suddenly grown fond of Whupassa Stuart Masterson.
We shall keep you abreast of any future developments. This could be fun.
John Enoh Ewan sez: "If only I had a subscription to this blog's feed, I'd know Ms. Whupassa Stuart Masterson was pulling my leg."