Were aliens to visit our gorgeous planet, they'd zap Miley Cyrus and Kathie Lee Gifford into the eleventh dimension. After that, they'd become fascinated by some of our oddest activities. For instance, what possesses a group of male humans of abnormal stature and excessive pigmentation to dart about in short pants while bouncing a ball and tossing it through a hoop? The two tribes apparently covet the orange orb but seem unable to hold onto it for very long. And when one tribe captures it, they put it into a basket which clearly has a hole in it. Its futility makes Sisyphus look like an over achiever.
Since we have shed light on the various intricacies of soccer, baseball, football and rugby, this moment was inevitable. If there are any visitors out there from Altair 4 who find themselves befuddled by the current NBA championships, we've provided golden snippets of intimate conversations that occur on the court as they play that game which was the sole domain of he-men (and now, thanks to the WNBA, female he-men), until Zac Efron dribbled and pranced his way through "High School Musical." No thanks necessary.
Player 1: Say, what's the big idea?
Player 2: Baby, I been watching your pasty fanny hopping around in your cute shorts.
Player 1: And...?
Player 2: And I decided I needed to get me some o' dat.
Player 1: Can we put a pin in that until tonight after Ugly Betty?
Player 2: I feel the sponteneity is seeping from our relationship.
Player 1: We can discuss it in couples therapy. But right now I'm trying to shoot.
Player 2: That makes two of us, baby.
Player 1: You have no respect for my needs.
Player 2: That's not true. Right now I respect your need to ride my Magic Johnson like a bull in the chocolate rodeo.
Player 1: You are a crude, disgusting brute. But you sho 'nuff gots da skills to sex my ba-dunka-dunk.
Player 2: I like it when you speak ebonics. You sound like you've got a little negro in you.
Player 1: Right now I've got more than a little.
Player 1: Move over to the left. I'm almost under the basket.
Player 2: mumph-glomph!
Player 1: Oh quit whining. It's not my fault we got stuck. You're the one whose throat constricts any time you hear "Thank you for Being a Friend." Now suck it up and let me get this hook shot.
Player 2: blurble gomp glug!
Player 1: Okay, it was rude of me to flip through the channels while you were playing the theme from Shaft on my skin flute. How did I know Lifetime was running a Beatrice Arthur memorial Golden Girls marathon?
Player 2: phluggle mumph!
Player 1: For now, we've got to deal with it. Now run down the court so I can get the rebound.
Player 2: glack! glurgle-mamp!
Player 1: Hey, watch the teeth.
Player 2: mummaglump!
Duke Player: (to the tune of "I Feel Pretty")
I feel swishy
Oh so swishy
I feel swishy and fishy and gay!
It's delishy, and you wishy you were me today!
I feel bouncy
I announcy how bouncy I feel!
Also flouncy, and I'm bouncy as Shaqille O'Neil!
Throw the little ball through that basket there!
NC Player: What basket, where?
Duke Player: Score a couple points, maybe three!
Such a swishy shot such a swishy game such a swishy day such a swishy me!
Must we quibble?
Watch me dribble!
Dribble double and triple and dance!
I can't fibble, that I'm dribbling inside my pants!
Player 1: Dude, wassup?
Player 2: I'm tryin to get you to switch teams.
Player 1: I don't play that way, dawg.
Player 2: Oh, just give it a whirl.
Player 1: Where the hell that ref at?
Player 2: Who needs him?
Player 1: Dude, stop slam dunking my rim.
Player 3: He slam dunked my rim in the shower after practice yesterday, Mr. Negro. And now it hurts when I Alley Oop.
Player 1: Shut up, bitch.
Player 3: Gosh, you don't have to be rude.
Player 1: Back off man, I'm about to shoot.
Player 2: Oops. Beat you to it.
INSERT YOUR OWN CONVERSATION
Dennis Rodman sez: "My subscription to this blog's feed made me feel so butch I forgot to re-apply my lip gloss."