Um, Ms. Ciccone?
What do you say we find a private corner somewhere and take turns jabbing our fannies with vitamin b shots whilst sipping kabbalah water-and-gin highballs? Doesn't that sound marvy? We KNOW!
So listen. We like you. We do. You've been a fashion chameleon for decades. First you were the gypsy whore, then the Marilyn whore, then the lesbian brunette in cut offs who sasses David Letterman and spelunks Sandra Bernhard's lady pie whore, then the cone-boobed water bottle fellating I Dream of Jeannie whore, then the tone deaf Evita portraying whore, followed by the Hindi electronica whore, the cowgirl whore, the self crucifying whore and the naughty British equestrian whore. What we mean to say is that we admire your versatility. But who knew your latest persona would be Elizabethan dominatrix scullery maid whore?
Madge. Madge-Madge-Madge. We realize things have been rough lately. Your recent effort to kidnap yet another lump of Malawian lion lunch to add to your ever-growing baby zoo was ultimately a fruitless enterprise, as was your brazen attempt celebrate Easter by living up to your biblical name and kidnapping a Brazilian baby named Jesus. But we might suggest taking a break from baby-napping long enough to take a quick glance in the mirror before you leave the house.
Really Madonna, after you put on your black lace Victoria's Secret push up bra, wiggled into your pumpkin breeches and your thigh-high go-go boots, fashioned a bodice out of a lampshade from a Reno whorehouse, combed your hair with your feet and twisted it up in a jizz-stiffened hanky, what made you say to yourself "Biking gloves! That's what I need!" ??
You look like (pick one):
- The Evil Munchkin Kumquat Queen in one of L. Frank Baum's lesser Oz tomes.
- You're rehearsing for the Nottingham Dinner Theatre's dazzling production of "Puss in Boots"
- Syphilis Sally, the salty saloon girl in an S&M western called "The Ugly the Bad and the Ugly"
- A hallucination one might have after chugging absinthe and going to a Toulouse Lautrec exhibit
- A featured performer in Cirque du Soleil's latest extravaganza "Les Vieilles Prostituées"
- You're taking a break from filming the eagerly awaited sequel "Shakespeare in Drag"
Madge sez: "I need my subscription to this blog's feed like a prescription to kosher valtrex"