DES MOINES -- Karl and Judy Schowengerdt, whose 47-year marriage was recently desanctified by the Iowa State Supreme Court, have decided to share their story with the world. Penning op-eds for the Des Moines Register, whoring themselves out for the National Organization for Marriage, they have embarked on a tireless campaign against the homo "lifestyle," as they're fond of calling it. They had a son named Randy who was rudely "recruited into the gay cult" after moving to that urban Gomorrah known as Omaha. Shortly thereafter, he started complaining of feeling a tad AIDS-y and moved back to chez Schowengerdt. Eventually, sadly, Randy laid down for an open-ended dirt nap.
So now the Schowengerdts, stricken with grief, have decided to honor their late son and demonstrate their parental love by posting a video on YouTube during which they share photos of his physical decline and kvetch about how much his illness cost the taxpayer. They accuse the homos of conscripting their lil' boy into the ass-sex society and abandoning him after he contracted HIV. And here's the kicker: gay "marriage" (the quotes are theirs), affects everyone because now they're sad. And everyone they know who has a gay son is also sad. Oh, and when a homo dies it can get so expensive! As you might imagine, we have a couple things to say to the charming Schowengerdts.
Dear Karl n' Judy:
Sexual identity is not determined by choosing sides on a playground. There was never a line of florists and hairdressers holding hands and chanting "Red Rover, Red Rover, send Randy Schowengerdt right over." There's no need to recruit. Take a gander at Craigslist and you'll find no shortage of married men honoring the sanctity of their marriages by advertising to rusty-trombone long haul truckers at the local rest stop (discreet only reply).
You lament over the fact that his lifestyle "choice" led to his demise. There we agree. Randy, rest his soul, chose to loathe himself (thanks to his godly upbringing, no doubt), which led to self-destructive behavior and unsafe sex. If, in fact, he was in a loving monogamous relationship with a man (read "married"), he'd likely be alive. But then, of course, you wouldn't get to go on your "the homo lifestyle is destroying our society" lecture tour and press junket.
We are sure that your deep godly shame over your son's identity made his last days ever so pleasant. Moreover, your willingness to exploit his profoundly sad hospital snapshots to shill for your hateful agenda is a spectacularly respectful way to serve his memory. But lest you and your chronically tedious "friends" congratulate yourselves for being Parents of the Year, your condemnations expose your love as false, toxic and far from unconditional, and your overt disapproval is sending your children to their graves with the ruthless efficiency of the cruelest retrovirus. And that, folks, is "family values."
But don't fret about the $250,000 bill to the taxpayers, although the enormity of Randy's medical bills speaks volumes about America's broken health care system. We are quite happy to pay our share to save someone's life or ease their suffering. It strikes us as a better bargain than the recently approved $1.7 billion earmark to make Iowa pigs less stinky.
And finally, to Karl. By the look of your wife Judy's Ellen DeGeneres hairdo and her sleeveless denim vest, some homos have been busy recruiting her. So, um...heads up.
Would you like to write your own letter to the Schowengerdts? Maybe drop by with a lovely casserole?
2017 Prospect Ave
West Des Moines, IA 50265
<-- click to enlarge
Karl n Judy say: "If our subscription to the COWA feed got AIDs and died, we would still sorta love it anyway!"