We read with interest the item on Action 3 News regarding your recent interaction with law enforcement personnel.
As the story goes, you decided to enjoy a lovely spring day in the dazzling metropolis of Lincoln Nebraska. So you got all gussied up in pink fishnet stockings and a bra. Then you went for a lovely stroll through the hilariously named Wilderness Park with your toddler son in tow, during which you sat on a park bench and started reading some porno. Apparently, some nosy passers-by found this rather disturbing. They phoned the police.
When the police arrived you picked up your son, dashed to your car and went for a high speed drive with the police in madcap pursuit. They finally caught up with you and discovered your ride was a virtual porn-mobile, stuffed to the gills with naughty videos and magazines. This led to the cops thoughtfully extending an involuntary "come as you are" invitation to the local precinct and returning your lil' tot to his annoyed mommy.
So, Billy (may we call you Billy?). Spring is busting out all over, ain't it? It always revives the spark in our loins. And while most dudes might react to spring fever by whacking off and/or watching some baseball, it seems there are a few like yourself who dress up like a Tuscaloosa pole dancer named Tammi and go tiptoe-ing through the tulips.
We applaud your sincere effort to bring a little desperately-needed spice to Nebraska. What's more, we appreciate your desire to be Auntie Mame to your toddler son, exposing him to eccentric fashion and obscene literature. You've also generously provided the lucky tyke with an amusing anecdote to suppress so that it can resurface during hypnosis during his ninth year of psychotherapy.
However, we feel compelled to suggest that the next time you feel an irresistible urge to take a walk on the wild side, it's a good idea to live in a city that has one. Because while the sight of a tarted up daddy reading porno to his son in the park might cause the citizens of Lincoln no small alarm, the same sight in New York would likely cause its citizens to think it must be Tuesday.
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