Well. Get a load of you.
Why don't you come down from there so we can sashay over to the nearest lounge and order a pitcher of Singapore Sling and have ourselves a little chit-chat? Sound fun? We KNOW!
So here's the deal. While we are predisposed to ridicule anyone who wakes up one day and tells us they have a new name (we long ago decided that Diddy's name is Diddy-doodle-diddle-daddle-banana-fana-fo-fiddle-faddle, as far as we're concerned), we must admit you're a fierce bitch. For inst, when you Proud Marry'd with Tina on the Grammies a few years ago, we thought our head would explode. Also, of course, we're sympathetic that you've got a retarded little sister.
But when we saw these pictures from your recent concert at the General Motors arena in Vancouver, we felt compelled to let you in on a few things. First, we can get behind the impulse to make a flying entrance, in spite of the fact that it was done by Liberace (and we generally shy away from anything/one that's been done by Liberace). But Sash (may we call you Sash?) "flying" is the operative word. One wants to look as if they're flying, not being hoisted. We're not hating on your bootieliciousness, but this picture makes us believe that if General Motors made their cars with the strength and durability of those cables, they wouldn't be bankrupt. We can almost hear the rafters groan. And although we're distracted by the superfluous gadgetry stuffed in your fanny, we approve of the aerodynamics of your weave and look favorably on your Peter Pan leg formation. But it's the next picture from that same concert which convinced us that a Note of Friendly Concern was desperately warranted (COWA readers: prepare to have your eyeballs ass-raped):
Although we keep things tastefully black-and-white here at COWA, we left your "outfit" colorized to convey the scope of this tragedy. Sash. Sash-Sash-Sash. This is bad. Faux leopard gauntlets? A housefly-eyeball brassiere? Gold spandex depends? And you're doing our very very very well-documented obsession with celebu-crotch no favors by appearing as if the batmobile is emerging from your lady-cave.
It's flat-out wrong.
You look like (pick one):
Bloody hell. xox Beyonce sez: "That Mary J. Blige bitch don't subscribe to this blog's feed, but Sasha Fierce do!"
Beyonce sez: "That Mary J. Blige bitch don't subscribe to this blog's feed, but Sasha Fierce do!"