Much has been made of Rush Limbaugh's declaration that he wants Obama to fail. He's since elaborated that he only wants the stimulus package not to succeed (so it's not the President he hopes will fail, it's the nation). At CPAC, Rush repeated these views to chants of "USA! USA!" from his adoring "patriotic" fans, who shortly thereafter waddled back to the short bus and headed home to Tuscaloosa.
Meanwhile, in mother Russia (Rush-a?) Limbaugh has found an unlikely doppelganger in one ex-KGB operative Igor Panarin, who has predicted the US will disintegrate in 2010. Alaska will become Russian territory (instantly giving Governor Palin that international cred she so sorely lacked, and without her having to leave the house), California will turn Chinese, Mexico will lay claim to Texas (the lone silver lining in Panarin's dire predictions) and New England will join the Eurozone. Canada, the shlimazel of nations, will be awarded the Dakotas as a booby prize.
So, with respect to jonesing for America's ruin, Rush and Igor are peas in a pod. But is that where the similarities end? Let's see...
- Both look like 400 pounds of cat barf poured into 300-pound pinstripe barf-bags.
- Both are scared of the gays. Panarin believes that America's collapse will be attributable in part to the high number of homos prancing about the fruited plain. For his part, Limbaugh famously opined "When a gay person turns his back on you it is anything but an insult; it's an invitation." Which brings us to the next item...
- Both have skeletons in their closets. Panarin got up to some nasty activities during his tenure with the KGB, which included (shockingly) engineering propaganda. On the other hand, Limbaugh has been dogged for years by rumors that he likes him some gay ass-sex. Evidence of his gayocity includes:
a) His mentor, who got him his first break, was the flamboyant Norm Woodruff. They used to shop for clothes together.
b) In 1973, Rush (then working as a DJ under the name Jeff Christie) was arrested for making a rude proposition to a cop whilst loitering on Winthrop, a notorious gay cruising area near the University of Pittsburgh.
c) He REALLY likes big fat Dominican cigars (see next item). True, Rush is fond of quoting Freud's "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar," but you know it's not, usually. Especially if you keep saying that.
d) He was caught trying to sneak into Miami with a stash of contraband Viagra after a jaunt to the Dominican Republic, which is notorious for its sex tourism (particularly for sex tourists who like 'em young and male).
e) He's a homophobe; homophobes are usually homos.
f) He was married and divorced three times. No children. Odd, considering procreation (according to gay marriage foes) is the primary function of marriage. Right Rush? Rush?
g) Beacon of journalistic integrity The National Enquirer recently killed its annual "who's gay?" issue featuring Limbaugh on the cover, with no explanation. Say what you will, but it was the Enquirer that broke the story of Rush (famous for condemning drug addicts) and his special relationship with oxycontin.
h) He's alarmingly fond of anal imagery.
i) He was named after a brand of poppers.
j) An ass cyst kept him out of Vietnam.
k) He's a woman-hater; he invented the term "feminazi."
l) His macho bravado feels fake to us; he's a gaydar activator.
(NOTE: While none of this proves anything, together these items exponentially increase the likelihood that Mr. Limbaugh owns an Ida Lupino boxed DVD set. Also, understand that we consider his potential fagnicity to be his only redeeming value; nevertheless, there are some folks you just don't want on your team)
- Both grew up terrified of Nikita Kruschev.
- Both use the airwaves to wage information warfare.
- They share the same turkey-esque neck waddle and male pattern baldness.
- Both belong to a party run by a puppetmaster. Panarin enjoys appearing on Russia Today, a Kremlin-run radio station. The Kremlin, in turn, is supposedly run by President Dmitry Medvedev, but everyone knows PM Vladmir "Pouty-Lips" Putin runs the showski there. Likewise, Rush has been outed as the shadow leader of the GOP.
- Panarin lives in Moscow. Limbaugh lives in a $44 million Palm Beach estate and recently signed a $400 million contract (yet, outrageously, claims to be an "average citizen"). They are equidistant from the realities of average Americans.
We could go on drawing similarities between these bedfellows but our fingers are starting to cramp.
We suppose the main difference between the two is that Panarin wants the US to fail because the emasculated Soviets remain humiliated by their nation's collapse and the shadenfreude of watching its formal rival follow suit would be an irresistible boon to Russian morale.
Limbaugh, however, wants the stimulus/economy to fail because he's an elite member of the top 1% tax bracket and is therefore irked by the prospect of his taxes returning to pre-Bush levels.
So, of the two of them, Panarin's the patriot.
Hey, they ARE different!
Rush Limbaugh would rather felch Rahm Emanuel than subscribe to this blog's feed.