Howdy-doody-doodle-all-day! Gracious! It's been ages since you've enjoyed an indispensable dispatch from Aunt Betsy-stan (Christian theocracy, population moi). Here I sit, comfortably wedged in my gorgeous mint green and chartreuse custom House Beautiful breakfast nook, lounging over a lovely cup of instant Taster's Choice and a toasty warm Pop Tart with lemon-esque filling, eyeing with some annoyance my neighbor's flower bed. Those irritating sodomites are hostile gardeners; they delight in growing perfect tulips for the sole purpose of diminishing the effect of my more natural (heterosexual) flower bed. Once again I'll be forced to hire that retarded gypsy boy who bags groceries at the Piggly Wiggly to sneak Drano pellets into their Miracle Gro.
As you know, my twin sister Levitica and I are voracious theatre-goers. So when I heard that the regional tour of a dazzling all-caucasian production of "The Wiz" starring Loretta Swit was to enjoy a brief run at the Greater Headcheese Arts Center and Livestock Auction House, I quickly snatched up two orchestra seats. It was enjoyable enough, and makes infinitely more sense with white actors. However, I must admit I felt Ms. Swit was a bit long in the tooth to be playing Dorothy, particularly considering Mindy Cohn's (Natalie from "The Facts of Life") alarming interpretation of Auntie Em (was the black-face really necessary, Natalie?). Anywho, Levitica and I waited at the stage door for Ms. Swit to sign our programs, when "Night Court's" Markie Post (forgettable as Evilene) whisked us into her limo for a night on the town. It was ill-advised; we awoke at 7 a.m. in a pasture behind a Jiffy Lube on the outskirts of Amarillo. Long story short, I was quickly reminded why I hate Texas.
When I see a t-shirt emblazoned with that impotent "Don't Mess With Texas" threat, stretched across the manboobs of someone from Dallas, I am filled with a desire to mess with Texas until it thinks it's Saskatchewan in a dress. And so I've decided to answer letters of a Texas-centric nature, and mess with them. Aunt Betsy's fixing to mess with Texas. Let the Texas-messing begin!!
Dear Aunt Betsy: I done saw a story on FoxNews 'bout some folks in England who are too fat to work so they git money from the guvmint. 'Sept now they say the 40 grand the guvmint give 'em every year ain't enough to buy all the chow they eat. Then I saw a picture of them. Shoot, they's skinny little things, Betsy! Those folks ain't too fat to work! Still they on welfare like negros or democrats. Signed, Lovely Austin Redhead Don't Abide Skinny Sluts
Dear LARDASS: Texas produces the fattest people in the US, which in turn is the fattest country on earth. The fattest people in Texas live in Houston. So the next time Jesus punishes you by sending you to Houston, ponder the fact that you're surrounded by the fattest people in the solar system. New homes being built in Texas now have hinged roofs so when their grease-choked hearts fart to a stop and they have to be hoisted by crane onto a flatbed ambulance, minimal damage is done to the home. The charming Chawner family of England are indeed brittle waifs next to the typical Texan, whose gravitational pull is roughly equal to that of Neptune.
Dear Aunt Betsy: I am homeskooled. I am in the forth graid. I am sevintene. I live in a town in Teksis cald Tyler. My mom sez we got a reppazentive in are state guvmint who wants are skools to teetch about Adam and Eve riding dinosarz in the buybul. I want to learn dinosar stuff. Its kool. Do you like tater tots? I like minez with kachip. Signed Boy U Sure Have Funny Address! Neat!
Dear BUSHFAN: What a charming and well-worded letter. Indeed, you are a constituent of State Representative Leo Berman, a gaydar-activating old codger who is currently sponsoring House Bill 2800, which would remove accreditation requirements for any college that doesn't receive government funding. I know big long words like that make you go pee pee in your Sears Tuffskins, so I'll state it simply: "Sugar-Boots" Berman (who has proposed relocating immigrants to concentration camps), wants schools to be able to teach you that unicorns are extinct because Noah didn't want any homo critters on his ark. Then he wants you to be given a degree in science.
Dear Aunt Betsy: I've been reading this column and it's full of such flapdoodle that I had to write a letter. Texas is a lovely state! You should stop saying fibs! My husband and I just came back after spending a few years in a snotty city in the east where they laughed at my outfits and made fun of my husband cause he don't talk good. I like Texas cause when folks say stuff to me I can understand it. I just had my third Xanatini. How come armadillos are doing the Achy Breaky dance on the ceiling? Signed Lies And Untruths "R" Aggravating!
Dear LAURA: Perhaps I've been a bit harsh. After all, when your husband was back east leading us into a war against Muslims in Iraq (a hot flat wasteland that smells like camel poop), Texas (a hot flat wasteland that smells like cow poop) led the nation in the number of converts to Islam. And although every single person in Texas is an insufferable malodorous bore, at least you have the good taste to execute your citizens at twice the rate as the rest of us.
Aunt Betsy sez: "I'd rather subscribe to this blog's feed than go to Texas"