ST. PAUL -- Nobody really knows where Minnesota is, they only have the vague notion that they don't care to find out. The word itself is Dakota for "Polluted Water" (no lie), but for most Americans "Minnesota" is the English word for "Get me the f*ck out of here." Its chief exports are peas, beets and iron ore. Minnesota also exports its young, as anyone raised there with a working pair of legs usually escapes shortly after learning the alphabet (or their mid-twenties, whichever comes first). No one knows precisely how many people live there. Most are too embarrassed to admit to being Minnesotans to census takers.
And now, calamity has appeared on the horizon; the MN state legislature is currently considering a bill that would make the state's marriage laws gender-neutral. This has caused an interfaith group of hysterical Minnesotans (imaginatively called the Minnesota Family Council) to experience shared nightmares involving rainbow flags sprouting along the streets of St. Cloud (rudely driving property prices upward in a f*ggy way), bistros and antique shoppes popping up in gorgeous downtown Litchfield, plagues of throw pillows and skin care products, all of this followed in short order by the extinction of mankind.
Yes, the Minnesota Family Council believes that immediately following Minneapolis' first (flawlessly catered) homo nuptials the planet earth will abruptly vanish. Or in the words of one MFC member: "If everyone is a gay, this world will cease to exist in ten years."
So true. First, allowing a couple of homos to mince down the aisle to Beyonce's "At Last" will instantly turn everyone queer. After all, that's what happened in Massachusetts. Isn't that right, Governor Romney? (call us, Mitt; you hunk o' burnin' Mormon man-steak). Second, in the years following Holland's and Spain's legalization of gay marriage their population growth rates have decreased, startling evidence that mankind is hanging on by a thread and the gays are packing scissors (because, of course, the exploding global population holds the key to our survival).
So the Minnesota Family Council has launched an effort to amend the state constitution to ban gay marriage, thereby dashing the dreams of homos everywhere who dreamed of one day escaping the drab, banal purgatories of San Francisco, Fort Lauderdale and Manhattan so they can settle in the dazzling shangri-la of Duluth.
Hey! Here's an idea! Click hereto save humanity by donating a penny to the Minnesota Family Council! Yeah, sure...it'll cost them at least five cents to process each donation, but it's the thought that counts!
Al Franken sez: "I'd rather have a subscription to the COWA feed that a seat in Congress."