We read with interest the article in The Sun, which described in detail your recent unfortunate legal entanglements resulting from your cheeky habit of performing public acts of an oral nature on the sidewalk outside a Durham pub.
As the story goes, you and your lucky boyfriend (an indiscriminating chap named Liam Dougherty) were loitering in front of an establishment called Yates. Suddenly, overcome by an unpremeditated spasm of romance, you took one last drag on that Pall Mall parked seductively twixt your cherubic lips, spat the butt to the gutter, daintily squatted to your knees and gave a prolonged mouth-hug to your beau's adventuresome pants worm.
Unfortch, the escapade was preserved in its entirety on surveillance camera, recording the reactions of dozens of passers-by and a decidedly awkward conversation between your squeeze and a nearby hobo while you were busily playing Mozart's Symphony for the Skin Flute in D.
Honestly, can't a gal get any privacy??
Fact is, we consider "Sidewalk Hummer with Hobo" to be a groundbreaking work of performance art. It's also an effective public service advertisement; what better way to warn against the perils of alcohol? The sight of you sucking the syphilis out of a bloke's shame hose near the front entrance to a pub undoubtedly put everyone who witnessed it off booze for a month. So brava, and kudos.
And while some may castigate you for extreme sluttiosity, count us not amongst their ranks. We are not in the business of placing fatwas on the heads of whores, such as those irritable jihadis who recently announced their desire to decapitate Madonna (Those crazy jihadis! While we can think of dozens of reasons to behead Madonna, her slutnicity is one of her few mitigating attributes).
So pay no attention to the movement afoot in Great Britain to crown you "Chavette of the Century." Shrug off those who might rudely compare your looks to a pre-op Augustus Gloop. Get up off your knees, gargle with scope, hold your head high and move on. Attagirl.
Oh, would you like a wetnap? A tic-tac, maybe? Some penicillin? Ms. Modrate?