Um...hi. LOL!! It's me, Pamela Anderson Lee Rock Solomon. I totally love the um, holidays. It's when we get to celebrate that time some pregged-out chick waddled into a stable so God could plop from her dress. And in Jew-dizm, it's the time to eat icky food and give each other socks. For negros, it's Kwaanza. I'm not sure what Kwaanza is about but it's when the blacks bang on bongos and gyrate around bonfires and fist-bump each other and act all uppity.
But whether you're a jew-dist, a negro or even one of those hare krishna f*gs, it's all about Jesus. Everytime Christmas rolls around (which totally seems like every year! LOL!), I like to have my boobs rotated, my sphincter bleached and dress up like an alcoholic pole dancing elf so I can stagger around L.A. without pants on. And sometimes when I feel like totally festive and stuff, I take the kids to that one room where I keep the soy milk and there's a scary machine that spits out fire if you touch one of its nobs. Oven. Kitchen. Yeah.
Because Christmas is family time. It seems like only yesterday Tommy Lee was pushing my ankles behind my ears in the back seat of a '98 Sirocco. Nine months later a little boy slid down my hoo-hoo just like magic. It was sorta like Santa sliding down the chimney except with a lot more blood and a little less soot.
So anyways. Kitchen. Oven. Boobs. Kids. Oh, yeah! Holiday treats! I'm not just tank of silicone spray painted like a bimbo clown. I can totally cook and stuff. And I've decided to share some really cool holiday recipes I made up! LOL!!
1 large box of Cap'n Crunch
4 of those round things that come out of chickens butts
1 tube of Avon "Fellatrix Red" Lipstick
3 cups of Twinkie cream
1 dozen large marshmallows
Put the Cap'n Crunch in a baggie and pound it with a clear-heeled stripper shoe until it turns into dust. Mix it in a bowl and crack those round chicken butt things so that the icky gooey stuff falls into the bowl. Stir that stuff. Remove from bowl and roll it into a long thick tube. Chop it into 8-inch sections. Stick finger in the end (where the pee hole would be if it was a penis), and make the tubes hollow. Using a botox needle, inject Twinkie cream into holes. Bake for a half hour at 400 degrees. Remove from oven and use lipstick to draw candy cane stripes on them. Stick marshmallows where the balls should be. Tell your kids to see how far they can stick them into their mouths before they break and the boiling hot Twinkie cream shoots out. LOL!!
BIG-N-BOUNCY JIGGLE-BOOBIE FUN TREAT
18 packages of red-flavored Jell-o
1 quart of egg-nog
1 half gallon cottage cheese
2 Magnum rubbers with reservoir tips
2 Large strawberries
In two ginormous bowls pour in Jell-o stuff. Add an ass-load of water and stir. Add cottage cheese and, um, stir some more. Fill two Magnum rubbers with egg-nog. Tie knot in the ends. Suspend rubbers in bowl so reservoir tips touch the bottom of the bowls. Chill for like, a day or something. Turn bowls upside down onto a tray. Move the trays together so they look like boobs. Put strawberries over reservoir tips (they should be sticking out where the nipples should be). Tell your guests they have to bite off the strawberries using no hands. Laugh when the egg-nog squirts out. LOL!!
1 shitload of Plaster-of-Paris
1 tube of KY
1 gallon of melted parafin
1 gallon of molten iron
4 cups of Honey Bunches of Oats
2 of those round things that come out of chickens butts
4 packs of Skittles
1 large candy cane
Smear KY on your ass. Sit in tub of melted parafin till it hardens. Pour Plaster-of-Paris into
butthole the dent your butt made in the parafin. Remove plaster replica of ass, put it in molten iron. Let cool. Chip out plaster. Take Honey Bunches of Oats, put in baggie, pound it with your forehead until it turns to dust. Mix in bowl with icky gooey insides of those round things that come out of chicken butts. Stir and stuff. Add Skittles. Pour mixture into new iron-clad ass-shaped pan. Bake for 45 minutes at 375 degrees. Decorate by sticking a candy cane in it so your ass cake looks like it has a candy cane stuck in its butthole. Dig in! LOL!!
Pammy sez: "I gave Tommy Lee a subscription to this blog's feed for Christmas. LOL!!"