WASHINGTON DC -- A week ago today, the future first family paid a visit to the white house (soon to be the negro house), a quaint domicile built by slaves, where the only negros to previously take up residence lived backstairs and polished the silver. By all accounts, the visit went well.
While George was smiling and pretending to understand Barack's multisyllabic words and touring a certain round-ish room still stained with Nixon's sweat and Clinton's sperm, their women traipsed about upstairs before sitting down for a cordial photo-op.
As luck would have it, we have a covert ninja mole posing as a secret service goon. He was able to record the ladies' conversation and transcribe it for your mental delectation.
Again, you're welcome.
LAURA BUSH: Why are you following me around?
MICHELLE OBAMA: Excuse me?
LB: You people are always underfoot! Any-who, while you're here could you fetch a gal a lovely rum-and-mister-pibb with a Xanax back? And easy on the Mr. Pibb this time!
MO: Um, I'm not a maid.
LB: You and your politically correct flap-doodle! Fine, you're a pickininny-american domestic engineer.
MO: No, I'm the next First Lady.
LB: Negros shouldn't fib.
MO: I'm serious. Didn't you follow the election?
LB: Wasn't that exciting? I spent all night hiding my vicodin before that nasty Cindy McCain gets here.
MO: Well...McCain lost. My husband Barack won the election.
LB: Are you sure?
MO: Yes. I'm Michelle Obama.
LB: Goodness! Hello, My Sheller-bomber.
MO: Hi, Laura. It's a pleasure.
LB: I like your dress.
MO: Thanks. It's Valentino.
LB: Oh I prefer to shop American. Valentino sounds like a hairy smelly homo from Europe.
MO: He's an important designer.
LB: That's what I said: a homo from Europe. I like to buy my stuff at Dress Barn. This is from Bonnie Franklin's "Frumpalicious" line.
LB: I've got an idea! I should tell you stuff about what it's like to live here!
MO: I'd like that.
LB: First, don't take any sass from the help. One negro girl got all uppity when I asked her to dust my collection of Franklin Mint Mammy Figurines. And have one of those nice Secret Service boys search their handbags when they leave. Also, keep the liquor cabinet locked. I can't tell you how many times I came back from Supercuts to find my girls Jenna and the ugly one passed out in the Lincoln Bedroom. Oh, and you'll get to travel to other countries and stuff. So watch out for that Prince Charles guy. He likes to sneak up on a gal and finger-pop her in her poo hole. And if you go to Arabistan and pose for pictures with some ladies dressed like sand jawas from star wars, don't ask them why their country smells like ass.
MO: That's excellent advice. Well, I think I should get going.
LB: Okie-dokie. But before you go...
LB: I'll have to take a little peek into your purse. My mammy figurines have a silly habit of finding their way into negro ladies' handbags.
MO: Bitch, you best check yoself befo a sistah bust some kung fu shizzle and break off her Prada pumps in yo cracka azz.
LB: You talk funny. Are you magic?
Laura sez: "I subscribe to the Whup-Ass feed 'cause I like the funny pictures."