COLUMBUS -- Greetings, dear readers! First, a heart-felt mea culpa for being so sporadic with our gorgeous blog postings. We have been swamped. Second, on the eve of that breathlessly-awaited day when God's favorite country will decide whether a doddering grandpa or an eloquent mulatto will take the helm of the Hindenburg, we thought it might be fun to catch you up on some key events that have transpired during our stay in dazzling Columbus Ohio:
- WE DID A FACE-PLANT ON THE ASPHALT: Ohio State University graciously provided us with a wonky 10-speed bicycle that had been rusting behind a faculty member's garage since Simon Le Bon ceased being attractive. Four days after arriving, we were doing our best Lance Armstrong, peddling like the dickens along the Olentangy River, when our bike hit some gravel and down we went. We had a bad-ass black eye and some serious "road rash" down one side of our devastatingly handsome face.
- WE SPILLED A MARTINI ON STACEY KEACH: The play "Frost/Nixon" came through Columbus, and the director of our brilliant play is old friends with the gentleman playing Frost. Keach, an actor we've always admired, is playing Nixon. We met them in a bar after one of their performances and he was very gracious. He expressed interest in our play. We thanked him by spilling a full Absolut Citron martini (up, very dry, with a twist) in his lap. Hold your applause 'til the end, folks.
- THE KENTUCKY PARANORMAL SOCIETY: So legend has it that the old house in which we've taken temporary residence is more haunted than Tara Reid's career. It's true, we've seen odd things; windows opening on their own, lights in the downstairs parlor switching on, etc. But no walls oozing goo a la Amityville, no toddler-napping ectoplasmic vortexes a la Poltergeist. At any rate, just before Halloween, the Kentucky Paranormal Society (we ponder whether their organization's name has built-in redundancies) camped out in our attic apartment, set up their ooga-booga equipment, made some s'mores and huddled under a bedsheet with a flashlight (okay, we made the last part up). We opted to spend that night elsewhere, but word has it nothing had to be slimed with ectoplasm, and Jo Beth Williams did not need to be shoved through a closet into the afterlife. Next time, maybe.
- WE WERE INTERVIEWED FOR NPR:It was just as you might imagine it. We took a taxi to a sedate looking radio station at the crack of dawn where a charming British woman asked us various questions in that calming "relaxation tape" NPR manner. We did our best not to sound retarded. We will let you know when it airs, and might even post a link to a website where you can listen to it over and over and over and over and over and over again.
- PALIN V. OBAMA: The campaigning in this town has been ri-DICK-ulous. Yesterday Palin was "you betcha-ing" and parading her retarded baby around like a trophy she won at the Wasilla Moose-Callin' Contest, while blocks away, Obama was informing an adoring crowd that the oval office redesign will include mud-cloth upholstery and a mural depicting the Wu Tang Clan crossing the Delaware. Traffic has been a nightmare.
- OUR PLAY GOES INTO TECH TONIGHT:We have reached that terrifying stage in the process where all the pieces (costume, lights, set, sound effects, makeup, etc.) are being brought together. Our play also is very multimedia, with tons of video effects. Heads will explode, tempers will be lost, hair will turn gray, and vast amounts coffee and Xanax will be consumed.
That's it, bitches! We pull up stakes three weeks from today and head back East. Now stop reading this and go out and VOTE ALREADY!
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