LOS ANGELES -- When Paris Hilton made the grisly discovery that two of her canine accessories were devoured by a mean ole coyote, she withdrew into a cocoon of inconsolable grief. "It kind of makes me all sad and stuff," the fragile heiress twittered to her myspace page. Her closest acquaintances have become alarmed by the ex-con and erstwhile internet fellatrix's emotional state. "I've never seen her so despondent," remarked one anonymous insider, who suggested to the multi-talented socialite that she work through her pain by expressing herself through poetry.
Thanks to our ruthless band of ninja operatives, we have obtained an advance copy of the heartbreaking collection of verse, excerpts of which we've generously provided below. Again, you're welcome.
ODE TO THE BROWN ONE
Doggy, Mommy has the blues
You totally matched my Prada shoes
You're the one I liked the mos'
And what was left was really gross
I mean it was, like, SO uncool
Your head was floating in my pool
Intestines strewn across my lawn
Doggy guts are such a yawn
My first thought when I saw the mess
Was "that dog matched my Gucci dress"
You made me look good, yessiree
The perfect pooch accessory
What could make me look as hott?
Your dripping bloody dog guts? NOT!
COYOTES ARE BUTTHOLES
Snakes are d*ckwads, cows are c*nts
So are g*ddamned elephants
Bugs are gross and crab lice itches
Pigs are stupid sons of bitches
But pigs at least are fun to roast
So which ones do I hate the most?
The ones that bite, or sting, or hiss?
Who throw their poop or drink their piss?
The kind of ass-wipe sphincter-munch
Who thinks chihuahuas are for lunch?
Of all God's creatures, who'da guessed
Coyotes are the butt-holiest?
LET'S GO DOG SHOPPING!
I had the coolest thought of all!
Let's go to the doggy mall!
Puppies used to run about
But now it seems I'm running out
Two were eaten, three turned gay
Thirty-two have run away
Four exploded, eight have choked
Twenty-three have starved and croaked
Eight I don't know where they're at
Five were crushed when Brandon sat
Nine were assholes, and acted mean
I tossed them from my limosine
Forty-seven of them died
In one mass doggy suicide
I think of all the pups I had
And now they're gone and I feel sad
So let's go to the puppy store
And charge up eighty-seven more!
Paris sez: "Subscribing to COWA is totally hott!"