We hear you, dear devoted readers. Nary a day goes by when our email isn't flooded by the single desperate request: "Please, Whup-Ass Master, please blog about sausage."
- PUT DEPP'S SAUSAGE IN YOUR MOUTH: Johnny Depp is so dreamy! If you're like us, he's really all you ever think about. And now, every time we feel the urge to enjoy a sizzling savory meat product, we can stuff our throats with what-else-but genuine Johnny Depp sausage. We're already salivating at the thought of stretching our mouth around that hot tube of meat swelling against its casings, and biting into it so the juice squirts out and dribbles down our chin. Thanks, Disney!
- WHEN SAUSAGE ATTACKS: Back in June, an incident of extreme Oedipal overtones unfolded when a Florida man named Gregory Praeger was having an argument with his insufferable mother. The altercation reached its unforeseen climax when Mr. Praeger suddenly conked his Mommy on the noggin with a Polish sausage. Mr. Praeger was arrested and presumably rehabilitated. However, over the weekend the dazzling hamlet of Fresno awoke to discover in its terror a copy-cat sausage assaulter was apparently on the loose. On Saturday, one Antonio Vasquez Jr. (in the midst of burglarizing a house) decided to strip down to his boxers and smear "Pappy's Seasoning" (a meat rub) all over the sleeping body of one of his victims, after which he slapped the other victim about the face and head with an eight inch sausage. When the two men awoke (one questions their reposal proximity), they apparently objected to being sausage-slapped and prepped for grilling, because Mr. Vasquez promptly fled, leaving his pants and wallet behind; thus enabling the fearlessly heroic Fresno police to nab the ruthless animal.
- STUFF YOUR WIFE INTO SAUSAGE: In 1897, Adolph Luetgert (widely admired Chicago sausage tycoon), was having marital problems with his uppity wife Louisa. So one day when she marched into the sausage factory to give her sausage man some lip, Mr. Leutgert snapped his cap and shortly thereafter unveiled Louisawurst to the great appreciation of second-city sausage afficionados. Unfortch, when Louisa's wedding ring was discovered in a sausage vat, Mr. Leutgert found himself being stuffed daily with an entirely different kind of sausage in Joliet prison.
- STUFF SOME SAUSAGE INTO YOUR MAN: Bachelor parties can be dull affairs. Hire the wrong entertainment and one can find oneself in the midst of a dreary sausage party. Luckily, at the bachelor party of an un-named groom in glorious Melbourne Australia, a demure stripper by the name of Linda Maree Naggs was procured to enliven the festivities. And that's precisely what she did. After the groom declined to sample Ms. Naggs' treats, his best man (egged on by 30 male attendees) agreed to perform with the blushing coquette. Before he knew it, he was being held down as Naggs strapped on a sausage-shaped appendage and did the poor bloke up his oopsie-hole, dingo-style. Ms. Naggs is currently on trial for raping the best man and causing minor rectal damage. One can only imagine, as he waddled up to the dais with his freshly enlarged poo-hole and raised a glass at his best friend's wedding, exactly what sort of wedding night advice he offered in what was surely the most interesting toast ever proposed.
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