SAN FRANCISCO -- The subject of clown porn, while near and dear to our heart, is nevertheless difficult to raise in mixed company. It's hardly ever appropriately interjected into a conversation about the weather or the Yankees, and clown-on-clown hippity-dippity is typically a room-clearing non-sequitur. However, on this glorious Friday, when the nation is all a-twitter because of tonight's presidential debate, clown porn seems suddenly apropos.
It seems that a bunch of kids who stuck knives in their parents' hearts when they announced their intent to attend clown college have decided to twist the handle by appearing in a naked clown calendar. Like those virile hunks of Latter Day Butt-steak before them, the intent is to comment on, and demystify, the general feelings of terror that grip our hearts when we see a Mormon or a clown (or a Mormon clown) approaching.
Below, we've thoughtfully provided a preview, introducing you to three grade-A specimens of sumptuous clown-meat:
Meet Pickle-Pants: When he's not terrifying toddlers at circuses and birthday parties, Pickle-Pants enjoys knocking clown shoes with buxom clowntresses behind the trained seal cage. His favorite sexual proclivity is tying his trouser-balloon into the shape of a dachshund. Pickles' turn-ons include walks on the beach, fine wines, scintillating conversation, and squirting his seltzer in some clown bitch's face. Turn-offs include uppity trapeze artists who think they own the g*ddamned universe, mimes (like clowns but smelly and French), and fat kids.
Meet Bobo and Porkbelly: The most sensual female clown porn duo since Mary Kate and Ashley, Bobo and Porkbelly are pioneers in the art of lesbian clown acrobatics. When they're not loitering nude in public parks and striking primal fear in the hearts of passersby with their creepy deathmetal medleys, they can be found back at the big top, rehearsing a new twist on a time-honored schtick: they spread their legs and see how many cars they can fit inside a clown. So far Bobo can fit three mini-coopers and a smart car, while Porkbelly is up to nearly twice that. Turn-ons include candle light suppers, the novels of Ayn Rand, the music of the Indigo Girls, and boobs that make honking noises when squeezed. Turn-offs include prudes that think menstrual blood isn't hilarious, golden confetti showers and fat kids.
Meet Butzo: Butzo is a typical, happy-go-lucky clown. He enjoys slipping on banana peels, taking a pie in the face, and visiting children in their dreams so he can suck their souls dry through his retractable razor-sharp clown fangs. His long time companion is the bearded lady at the Coney Island sideshow, who in reality is a long-haul trucker named Max. He carries a midget in his rectum who frequently pops out to do card tricks and hand out exploding cigars. Turn-ons include Mozart, a nicely aged brandy and anally fixated oompa-loompas. Turn offs include clownophobes, drunken carny bukkake parties and fat kids.
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