TELLURIDE -- Given her existence as the world's cutest fashion accessory, frequently paraded about and displayed as irrefutable evidence of her daddy's heterosexuality, be-wigged pixie Suri Cruise has matured remarkably fast for an earthling (but right on schedule for a lizard baby from Altair 4, an ammonia-choked planet in Andromeda).
Here, the adorable moppet (her peaches-and-cream humanoid skin-suit nicely covering her scales) is having a heart-to-heart with her new Scientolo-doll as she lays down the fat and the skinny with respect to what it takes to be a productive, tolerated member of the TomKat household (fondly dubbed "Xenudu" by her showtune afficionado daddy).
And, natch, our ruthless cadre of covert spies resourcefully concealed a microphone up the doll's shame hole and transcribed the entire thing. Don't mention it, it's our pleasure.
SURI: Hi, dolly. My earth name is Suri and I am your mommy. Earth mommies have dirty brains cause they have to spend 10 hours a day getting them washed at the scary place, so get used to being left alone, got that? First thing we have to do is get you a baby wig. Next, you have to remember the rules. Number one: when daddy is in his bedroom with the pool boy and they're playing a loud game called "bronco-busting butt rodeo" that means you can't walk in on them or else daddy might fall over and his pee-pee might get accidentally stuck in pool boy's poo hole, which makes pool boy scream "Yee-haw! Eff me in the A, Daddy! Oh God!!" and Daddy will get upset and put you in the "bad cage." And if a scary fat negro lady visits with a pet lesbian on a leash and she makes everyone bow and make offerings to The Great and Powerful O, don't try to pick up her scent by flicking your tongue at her, or Daddy will stop jumping on the sofa and put you in the "bad cage." And when you're having breakfast and you pour some lizard milk over your bowl of crunchy thetans, don't let them get soggy or daddy will make you drink some of Jenna Elfman's pee-pee and then he'll put you in the "bad cage." And if a scary fat witch named Curse-y Allie comes over for dinner and sad Mommy serves the main course, don't say "Placenta again??" or sad Mommy will start to cry and Daddy will make you sit on the "ouchy stool" and then he'll put you in the "bad cage." And if we go to visit our friend Shiloh and you open all the cages in the baby zoo so you can play "baby roulette", don't tell Zahara that Mommies have babies when Sleestaks tie the them to a table and put lizards in their tummies, or Zahara will be a tattle-tale and Daddy will make you sit on the "ouchy stool" and put you in the "bad cage." Got that? Now it's time to take off your head and fill it with cat poo. In this house, we call that "auditing." It won't hurt a bit...
Tom sez: "Only a pre-clear wouldn't subscribe to this blog's feed"