LONDON -- The crown rests uneasily on Her Majesty's gray noggin. What with her grandchildren prancing about naked and masquerading as Nazis, her developmentally retarded son and his horse-like bride, one presumes she's constantly on the verge of snapping her cap.
As if hell-bent to provide evidence to support this theory, HRM recently purchased a McDonald's with the Crown's Purse; an alarming turn of events, which has led to rampant speculation regarding Her Royal Sanity. While we empathize that HRM's daily habit of wearing a different aerodynamically unstable hat of exponentially increasing hideousness would be enough to make a lesser broad pick up a sniper rifle and climb the Tower of London, the fact that she prefers the company of her royal corgis to her spectacularly retarded brood is cold comfort indeed.
Our underground band of ruthless operatives, as if to underscore the Queen's deteriorating grasp on reality, has recovered a top secret list of instructions (penned in the shaky hand of HRM herself) to the gang of shiftless chavs who run the freshly-christened Windsor McDonald's. Natch, we've provided the instructions below, for your general amusement:
AN ITEMIZED LIST OF INSTRUCTIONS REQUIRED BY US, THE QUEEN, SHOULD WE EXPERIENCE AN UNPREMEDITATED LATE NIGHT BIG MAC ATTACK:
- The Queen should not desire to be super-sized, ever. Nor should HRM suffer being asked.
- The Queen does not wish to "holler" into the mouth of a clown. Management will hastily find a more dignified alternative.
- The Queen reserves the privilege of rejecting as unsuitable any toy she receives in her Happy Meal.
- The Queen, being The Queen, is hereby not required to make a purchase in order to be granted access to the lavatory.
- Should it come to The Queen's attention that an anti-monarchist chav has imprudently added their spittle to Her Fillet-o-Fish, said chav shall be swiftly and ruthlessly executed.
- The Queen does not care for those molten lava hot pockets loosely named "apple pie."
- The Queen hereby requires the Windsor McDonald's to develop McYorkshire McPudding, Happy Haggis, McBoiled McCabbage and Beef Wellington McMorsels.
- The Queen considers it beneath the Crown to ever ingest (much less digest) anything called a McNugget.
- To save all parties involved any potential mortification, The Queen does not want "fries with that shake."
- The Queen requires all employees of the Windsor McDonald's to curtsy whenever passing HRM's chip fryer.
- The Queen distrusts the mascot, one Mr. Ronald McDonald. HRM's secret service has orders to dispatch of the disquieting individual should he approach the royal procession.
- The Queen is not the least bit interested in swallowing "special sauce" of any kind, ever. Just ask Phillip.