Gosh! Has it been a whole year? It's time once again to lounge over an ice cold glass of milk and browse through the pages of the 2009 Mormons Exposed Calendar. Flip through the months and swoon at the sight of these twelve sides of lick-tastic polygamist man-beef. In the past, one might be inclined to draw the blinds, lock the doors, and disengage the safety on one's semi-automatic handgun when these button-down gentlemen ring your doorbell (Book of Mormon in-hand, creepy robotic smile frozen on their faces). However, once you experience a year gazing into their dreamy eyes, longing to gently (or not so gently) caress their sinewous physiques, we're willing to wager that next time these profoundly caucasian androids come a-knocking, you'll happily throw open your door and invite them in for nilla wafers and perhaps a wholesome game of Crisco Strip Twister.
And here's a preview of just three of the most delectable specimens of Salt Lake City ass sirloin:
Meet Shane: Representing the lusty month of May, Shane is a slurp-a-licious slab of rump-roast. He fondly remembers his missionary experience in Nevada, during which time he blessed the herpes outbreaks of hookers from Vegas to Reno. One memory in particular that causes that million dollar "golly, mister" smile to light up his face; while stationed in the dazzling metropolis of Pahrump, he was asked to say a prayer for Heidi Fleiss' Sausage Ranch. Who knew sausage was raised on a ranch? It turns out plenty of sausage has been raised by proprietess Fleiss, who was so impressed with Shane she offered him a position. Several positions, in fact; including missionary, for which Shane is more than amply qualified.
Fave Passage from the Book of Mormon: "Therefore the Lord will smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion, and the Lord will discover their secret parts." (2 Nephi 3:17)
Dreamiest Osmond: Merrill
Turn-ons: Milkshakes, Gladiator Movies, Spandex.
Turn-offs: Homosexuals, Avarice, Vaginas.
Meet Brandon: Brandon's man-tastic physique will make you wish July would never end. His time spreading the good news in Curitiba Brazil gave him simply oodles of fond memories. There, he built a school which was free to every naked savage child who agreed to wear a crisp white shirt and a clip-on tie to class. Highlights of his mission include sucking the poisonous snake venom from the thigh of a robust indigenous tribal chief, and one hilarious episode where the natives invited him to a hot tub party, only to discover he was sitting in a large stew pot over an open fire. He enjoyed leading the locals in repeated campfire renditions of "Cumbaya," that is until a poison dart mysteriously struck him in the neck, rendering him paralyzed for six months.
Fave Passage from the Book of Mormon: "And I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; they shall be drunken with their own blood as with sweet wine" (1 Nephi 21:26)
Dreamiest Osmond: Wayne
Turn-ons: Showtunes, Mom's Homemade Chicken-and-peas Casserole, Truck Stops.
Turn-offs: Sassy Womenfolk, Gluttony, Vaginas.
Meet Jonathan: Say a friendly "how the heck are ya" to Jonathan, the smoldering hunk of Moroni-riffic man loin who makes April a truly pec-tastic month. The J-man (as his hilarious friends call him) has freshly returned from ministering to the primitive savages of Manchester England. Setting foot upon the desolate banks of Princess Street, he was informed his mission was to demonstrate proper use of dental floss in various public cottages. He was soon flabbergasted to learn that "public cottage" means "public restroom" in their peculiar native tongue. Jonathan found the male frequenters of public cottages to be extraordinarily open to his oral suggestions, and on more than one occasion was introduced to an odd (but invigorating) method of rectal upkeep practiced with alarming enthusiasm by the locals.
Fave Passage from the Book of Mormon: "And they feed the women upon the flesh of their husbands, and the children upon the flesh of their fathers" (Moroni 9:8)
Dreamiest Osmond: Jimmy
Turn-ons: A Well-Kept Wife Kennel, Mansweat, Bette Midler.
Turn-offs: Barren Wombs, Envy, Vaginas.