NEW YORK -- When gruff-but-lovable Channel Four anchornegress Sue Simmons lobbed the F-bomb live on the air, rumors swirled regarding her future as New G*ddamned York's favorite sapphic teleprompter reader. Still reeling from the shock of hearing a cuss word, gotham's notoriously chaste populace seemed poised to bid her ba-donk-a-donk adieu.
However, defying the odds, Ms. Simmons began sporatic foul-mouthed broadcasts aimed at a specific sociopathic niche audience. The results have been astounding. We are proud to present another snippet from her most recent edition of the $&#@?&! News Roundup!
Top o' the morning, sh*t stuffers! I'm Sue "bang-my-bleeding-b*tch-box" Simmons, and this is the c*ck-smoking news:
- Over the weekend, fart-felching *ss pirate Pope Benedict visited the g*ddamned nation of Aus-f*cking-stralia. During the pud-poking pontif's stay, he told crowds of adoring dingo-banging sphincter burglars he was "sorry" about all those tw*t spelunking priests who poked their d*ck-bouncing children up the poo-hole. His m*therfucking Holiness, who lives in a g*ddamned mansion the size of a sh*t slurping city, stuffed to the tits with priceless bone-bouncing art, also chastised the nation of koala-raping turd-bandits for being too m*therf*cking materialist.
- Yesterday, as c*nt-diving bitch-boy Barack "a watermelon in every g*ddamned pot" Obama continued his pole-smoking tour of the Middle-f*cking-East, he met with an *ss-load of official camel-f*cking sand f*ggots. Jizz-guzzling boner boy Nuri Kamal al-Maliki (Prime g*ddamned Minister of Iraq), commented that he favors a m*therf*cking withdrawal of butt-banging troops, lending his f*ggot-ass support to Obama's c*cksucking draw-down proposal. This drew the muff-spelunking ire from the cow-fisting Bush administration, who took a break from f*cking the America up the sh*t chute to condemn the remarks.
- Concerned that the g*ddamned values of his butt-blasting family were at stake, a goat-f*cking baptist hillbilly from South Carolina beat his scrotum slurping son with a baseball bat as he returned from a gay pride rectum rodeo. Praying to g*ddamned Jesus f*cking Christ as he bludgeoned sh*t-blocking boy had little g*ddamned effect; the f*ggot-ass c*ck pirate is now on the lam as the pud-pounding police have a warrant for his g*ddamned arrest.
- A fart-blocking piss perv from Columbus Ohio is enraging the sphincter sucking butt b*tches who live there. Seems the sh*t sucking ass-bandit likes to collect boy pee and drink it like a g*ddamned pina colada. C*nt sniffing police are unable to arrest the butt-banging urine slurper, as it's currently not a m*therf*cking crime to guzzle piss in O-f*ck-me-where-I-stink-Hio.
- *ss pirates everywhere creamed their g*ddamned underoos on Saturday night as Project "f*ck-me-where-I-poo" Runway launched its fifth butt-ramming season. Sixteen f*ggot-*ss cum-garglers created m*therf*cking hideous dresses out of sh*tty-*ss groceries. Kelly won, making Heidi "bone-me-up-the-butt" Klum scheize her pants over her fart-felching fanny-fisting dress made out of m*therf*cking vacuum bags, while butt-spelunker Jerry got his *ss aufed for shoving his c*nt-licking model down the g*ddamned runway in a m*therf*cking shower curtain.