- THE NAKED POOP LADIES OF EBERHOLZEN: One day, two classy broads from the German hamlet of Eberholzen decided it would be a good idea to go to a cow farm, fill up some panty hose with cow poop, and use the resulting "poop bombs" as party favors at a celebration marking the German soccer team's victory over Turkey. Unfortch, their plan went awry when they fell into a cow poop tank, crawled out, fled to the surrounding fields and discarded their clothes. Local authorities have been instructed to be on the alert for a duo of poop-smeared frauleins romping au naturale across the idyllic countryside. Are these two hot babes single? Speaking of which, has anyone seen Merkel lately? Where exactly is she? Hmmmm...
- THE GEORGE BUSH POOP PLANT: Reagan and JFK got airports. Eisenhower got a tunnel. Hell, even Hoover got a dam. Now, the cheeky hell-bound liberal sodomites of San Francisco will be voting soon on whether to re-name the Oceanside Sewage Treatment Plant after our beloved leader George W. Bush. As Southern Methodist University in Texas is mounting an enormous protest against the proposed GWB presidential library, the butt-humping hippies of San Francisco seem to be 80% in favor of the Dubya Poop Plant. While cynics believe it's a partisan attempt to besmear Bush's hallowed legacy, others simply like the thought of sitting on their thunderbox and sending their poop to the Dubya with every flush, thus reversing a tiresome eight-year trend.
- THE POOP HOUSES OF KARANPUR: Next time your VCR isn't working and you're losing your temper with Vishna Vindaloo (aka "Fred") on the other end of the "help" line, remember that it's entirely possible that the poor schmuck lives in a poop house. In some areas of India it's not at all unusual to find a village constructed entirely of cow flop. Cows, of course, are worshipped as deities in India; so perhaps it's considered enlightened to live in a split level bungalow made out of holy sh*t. However, isn't India hit by about 40 monsoons every other week? How exactly do cowpie cottages hold up (or not) during the rainy season? Unless they've taken to mixing cement in with Bossie's cud, this practice strikes us as highly impractical. Oh, and gross.
- EAT SOME CHINESE POOP FISH: China, which has lately given the world poisonous toothpaste, lethal dog food, dangerous toys and killer pharmaceuticals, is also exporting poop fish. Aquaculture (or, the practice of farming fish) is a huge industry there. Unfortch, many of these fish farms have raw sewage dumped into them on a daily basis. Chinese fish account for a large percentage of the fish sold in the U.S. So that yummy plate of "Southern Catfish" you ordered at Bubba Gumps could very well have gills caked with "recycled" mu-shu pork, if you get our drift.
- THEM OL' POOP FIELDS BACK HOME: The great state of Iowa, recently ravaged by storms and flooding, has another cross to bear. It seems that every sewage plant (and, ickily enough, hog poop reservoir, of which there are apparently oodles) overflowed and emptied into the flood waters. Health officials are now telling everyone who came in contact with floodwaters to see a doctor. We hate to add insult to injury (actually, we don't); but Deuteronomy tells us to bury our poop, because God walks among us and is HIGHLY averse to scraping our poop from his sandals. So if indeed God walks in Des Moines (as folks in Des Moines insist He does), He prolly has pig plop oozing betwixt His toes and is getting more pissed off by the second.
- AND FINALLY: Zimbabwe is holding elections today. Robert Mugabe (who smells like poop, looks like poop, and turned his nation into poop) is widely expected to win, as his goons have intimidated the opposition to the point where they've withdrawn from an election they would have otherwise won. Folks are being forced at gunpoint to go to the polling centers and threatened to memorize the serial numbers of their ballots, so that their vote for Mugabe can be later verified. Misery holds dominion over this God-foresaken nation, which only a few years ago was the shining beacon of post-colonial Africa. We here at COWA are pacifists. But can't someone bust a cap in the noggin of this despotic lump of hyena crap? The world will cheer.
Happy Pride, bitches