Hi. My name is Dannielynn Smith. I am almost two. My mommy named me after my brother who died from a drug overdose. Then my mommy died of a drug overdose. I live with the blond guy who plays a game called "the naked cowboy ass-sex rodeo" with my mommy's attorney. The blond guy says he's my daddy cause he's the one who got my mommy all pregnant when she was passed out from a drug overdose. At least that's what the doctor man said after testing the DNA of all 5,852 men who said they did the hippity dippity with my mommy when she was passed out from a drug overdose.
My daddy is funny. Like when he invited The Insider to follow us to the Bahamas so they could take pictures of me filling my diaper on the patch of grass where my overdosed mommy is taking her dirt nap. He said he did that cause "baby needs a new pair of shoes." But when the shoes came, they were from Ferragamo and they fitted my daddy.
Last week Daddy bought some of my dirt napping mommy's used underpants. He told the peoples with the cameras that he bought them for me. I wish he just got me a dolly. But I have fun using mommy's panties to build a fort in daddy's leather dungeon. I like playing there. Daddy has funny swings and toys shaped like negro pee-pees. He says they are grown up toys. Like his game of Twister that's all sticky and slippery.
Daddy calls me his favorite lil' moneymaker. One time he told me he's got another moneymaker. I thought he meant he had another baby. I asked my daddy where he keeps his other moneymaker, and he told me he's sitting on it. I hope he's not sitting on a baby!
Sometimes I get sad. But that's when I think of all the funny things kidz can do!
- SILLY PILLS MAKE KIDZ DO THE DARNEDEST THINGS: There's a funny kindergarten in Texas where the teachers give the kids "silly pills" (the kind my mommy got all overdosed on) so they could put on some funny plays for naked grown ups. Some of the funny plays included "naughty hokey pokey" and "I can fit that in my oopsie hole."
- MIND YOUR MANNERS OR MOMMY WILL EAT YOU: One day God told a lady that if her naughty sons refused to be good, then maybe they could at least taste good. So she tied them up and cut off their sassiest pieces, and the rest of the family had some yummy fondue! Yay!
- YOU REALLY CAN GET EVERYTHING AT WAL-MART: Once upon a time there was a mommy who got tired of looking at her baby. So she tacked a note to its back and tossed it into a discount bin at America's largest retailer! My daddy says that if the mommy really wanted a better life for her baby she woulda left it at Barney's.
- TART UP YOUR BABY: There's a place called England where they have animals like unicorns and chavs and yobs. A mean old lady has all the money and she uses it to buy scary hats. They also have places where you can have your baby tarted up like a common harlot. Maybe they do that so they can get more for them when they sell them at Herrods.