Hello for going! We make welcome face!! Soon, most lucky happy nation of China be smiley so happy proud we to exprode! But we not really exprode. That is just an explession. BUT WE SO HAPPY SMILEY WE FEEL LIKE TO EXPRODE! YAY!! ORYMPICS!!! HIPPY HIPPY HOOLAY!!!
But before we to exprode, China to making final prepares, okie-dokie? We to prove it, Mister Sassy-face! Here, we are to providing a rist of flequentry assed questionings for lucky happy touristy peoples coming for to adore glorious Chinese Orympics!
FLEQUENTRY-ASSED QUESTIONINGS OF PERTAINING NATURE FOR DUPER-SUPER ORYMPICS:
Q: I HAVE MY HEART SET ON GOING TO THE OLYMPICS, BUT I CAN'T GET A VISA. WHY?
A: Lucky fun China Government peoples no to allowing belligerent complainy peoples to Orympics. You sound complainy. First you to saying your hotel room needs more paper for toilet, then you to saying Beijing air smell like yak butt. Next thing you are to knowing, you leading Fallun Gong-y peasant revolt in Tiananmen Square and CNN to put cameras on you when China girlies are to winning goldstuffs in synchronize swimmy time! You to stay in frowny sad America and watch on that TV made by frowny Japanese peoples! How you are liking those apples?
Q: MY CHILDREN KEEP HAVING NIGHTMARES ABOUT YOUR CREEPY MASCOTS. HOW DO I CONVINCE THEM THAT THEY ARE HARMLESS CUTE LITTLE CARTOONS?
A: Some rude sad frowny peoples are to spreading unfortunate fibby-stuffs about our mascots (or "Fuwa"). They are to saying the Fuwa (which to translating into Engrish are to mean "Scary Happy Fun Toys") are to bringing bad ruck. They say that Lingling, the jorry panda Fuwa make shakey fun earthquake to happen in Sichuan. They say that Huanhuan (the Fuwa who to looking like a happy baby on fire) is to causing smelly French peoples to protest orympic torch. Now they to saying that Beibei (the Fuwa who is water girly with fish hat) is to make splashy happy floods happening. While Chinese believe natural disaster stuffs are signs from heaven that the empire has lost its mandate, that not true this time! Shakey silly earthquake was to show world we care about our non-Tibet peoples! If we to catch peoples who to spread these lies, we make shooty pow-pow! The Fuwa are duper-super rucky! We make stompy-feet!
Q: LAST TIME I WENT TO CHINA YOUR FOOD WAS BARFY. I WENT TO A RESTAURANT AND THEY SERVED DOG FACE CHOW MEIN. I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA HURL. ARE YOU GONNA HAVE NORMAL FOOD FOR US NON-ORIENTAL TYPES?
A: We to send orders to Chinese restaurants to change menus. Now, instead of calling it "Happy Choppy Schnauzer Penis Pu-pu Platter" we to calling it "Spicy Meat Yummy Tummy." Or instead of to calling it "Kitty-Cat Lung with Eel Poop Cream Sauce," we to calling it "Silly Fun Yum Stew." Or instead of to calling it "Fallun Gong Eyeball Skewers Sauteed in Ginger Pig Sperm," we to calling it "General Pao's Yummy Olive Medley." And we send expricit instluctions to restaurants not to play pee-pee joke in your coke. Anymore.
Q: IS IT TRUE CHINESE PEOPLE POOP STANDING UP? HOW DO THEY DO THAT? IS IT CAUSE THEY HAVE NO BUTTS? I'M AFRAID OF POOPING WHILE STANDING UP, I HAVE ARTHRITIS AND VERTIGO. AND WHAT IF I EAT SOME OF YOUR GROSS FOOD AND IT COMES OUT IN A SPRAY?
A: We to dig out 8,000 peoples from earthquake who don't remember their names. So we train them to help foreign peoples to make poop time. They to help you balancing over squat holes. If you to fall in, they to give you a ladder. If you to spray, they to turn hose on you. And they to learning Engrish explessions, like "it burn when it come out too, right soldier boy?" and "you drop too many kids in pool! put a cork in that yankee butthole!" and "you too stinky! you make courtesy flush time or I blow chunks on your reeboks!" Everything is being hunky-dory, so you to put that into your pipe for smoke sucking.
Q: I AM A CHINESE STUDENT FROM SHANGHAI. YESTERDAY POLICE TELL ME NOT TO GO TO BEIJING. I AM SO PROUD OF ORYMPICS, HOW COME I CAN'T GO TOO?
A: We have dossier on you. One time you make petition so your family not to starve. You trouble-maker! We only let Chinese peoples who not fat or ugry go to Orympics. Peoples with good tooths in face. Sexy fun booby girlies. And NO TROUBLEMAKERS!! What if you to hold up sign in middle of shot-put game, saying "Democracy Now"?? Then we have to make you do jerky silly bullet dance on ESPN! We make sure duper-super orympics not be political!! It supposed to be peaceful happy fun time! That why we equip stadium with anti-aircraft pow-guns. And that why you can't go to orympics. You have wrong political stuffs.