NEW YORK -- As our faithful readership is well aware, a short while back New York's favorite Tourette's-afflicted teleprompter reader Sue Simmons got all potty-mouthed on live television, boisterously letting fly a word that starts with "F" and rhymes with "duck." After sobering up, the sapphic anchornegress apologized to her shocked viewers for offending the notoriously delicate sensibilities of New Yorkers. But in a startling career move, she has since begun broadcasting sporatic newscasts that are highly targeted to a very specific niche. Below, we proudly include the partial transcript of her latest edition of The @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor Talkin' Sue. You're welcome.
Good evening, c*ck-smokers. I'm Sue "lick me where I pee" Simmons, and here's the g*ddamned news:
- Withered c*nt-licking b*ttwipe Hugh Hefner had a m*therf*cking birthday party last night, during which his skank-tastic donkey-f*cking girlfriend Kendra Wilkinson presented the 82-year-old whore magnet a g*ddamned chocolate mold of her sh*tty *sshole. The classy tw*t had her nasty-*ss buns molded in white f*cking chocolate, with a dollop of dark chocolate for her fist-f*cked sphincter. The Jurassic g*ddamned sperm hydrant devoured it enthusiastically, stuffing the c*nt-banging confection down his muff-grazing pie hole.
- M*therf*cking baboon-*ss Robert Mugabe took a break from eating hyena sh*t to call on his c*cksucking militia to wage war on his own g*ddamned people if he loses the fake-*ss butt-banging elections next month. This, after starving the sh*t-eating Zimbabweans who support his opponent, sending his rhino-f*cking goons after those who "voted the wrong g*ddamned way" in the first f*ggoty election, expelling all zebra-felching aid groups, and flushing his nation down the sh*thole. Reports of c*ck-sucking *ss-spelunking citizens being told the g*ddamned police will watch how they vote (and beat the f*cking sh*t out of them if they don't vote for that *ss-licking monkey-f*cker Mugabe) are common. At 180,000% inflation, dwindling g*ddamned food supplies, rampant f*cking starvation and a big-*ss mass exodus taking place, there isn't going to be a single m*therf*cker left to vote in the sh*t-sucking f*ggot-*ss election anyway.
- Last g*ddamned Friday, Mary Esther (some f*cking whore with a boner for Jesus) was walking with her two adorable pieces of c*nt plop across the *ss-banging parking lot of a cat-f*cking Target. All of a sudden, both she and her diaper-sh*tting scream machines were almost mowed the f*ck down by a f*ggot-ass PT Cruiser. Always the m*therf*cking Christian, muff-munchin' Mary approached the g*ddamned driver to inform her that they were all right, no f*cking thanks to her. The sphincter-sucking whore behind the wheel squeezed out of the car and called Mary the "B" word. Ms. Esther, a baby-fisting fetus-f*cking Baptist, responded by handing the woman a flyer from her c*ck-sucking church. The rude driver reacted by yanking down her m*therf*cking stretch pants and wiping her stank-ass tw*t with the flyer before stuffing her fat *ss back into the car and speeding the f*ck away.
- A bunch of m*therf*cking journalism students from the f*ggot-*ss city of Copenhagen got their sh*tty asses kicked off of sit-on-my Facebook for posting g*ddamned pictures of themselves killing and eating a butt-f*cking kitty cat. As it turns out, the nut-gargling retards did it to raise c*nt-licking awareness of *ss-pumping animal cruelty. While that strikes this muff-banging reporter as slightly akin to f*cking to promote abstinence, the m*therf*cking students claimed that roast f*cking kitty cat au gratin is chewy and tastes like g*ddamned *ss.
- Today, President "If-I-was-any-g*ddamned-stupider-you'd-hafta-water-me-twice-a-week" Bush dragged his inebriated chain-smoking wife to the f*ggot-*ss Vatican for a meeting with the butt-fisting Pope. While Laura was passed out in some f*cking fountain, the two men held hands and pranced about the g*ddamned grounds, each finding some c*nt-licking common ground in the f*cking fact that they're both doing all the f*ck they can to speed the end of the g*ddamned world.
We pause now for an *ss-munching word from the m*therf*ckers at Playtex, who want every skanky b*tch to cram their g*ddamned tampons up their tw*ts. Keep your sh*tty *sses parked, butt-f*ckers.