Wow. Okay. Hi.
Let's flag down a waiter and freshen our cinnamonapplefrappetinis, how does that sound?
So here's the deal. We know this photograph is a few months old, and is therefore as stale as "Basic Instinct 2." But it took that long for us to wrap our sensitive mind around this horrifying image. Now, ever the brave soldier, we're ready to confront our nightmare; in fact, for the first time EVER, we've broken our long standing policy of keeping everything an artsy-fartsy black-and-white so that we might communicate the full extent of fashion horror you've unleashed. Yet there you are, in full debutante slouch, Arte Johnson's "Laugh-In" wig perched on your head and an impish expression on your face. As if to say "I DARE you to say it."
Sharon. Sharon, Sharon, Sharon. We've had similar discussions. Did we learn nothing from your Make-a-Wish camel-toe inducing cat woman jumpsuit? Why are you feeding our unhealthy obsession with celebrity crotchular regions? Are you toying with us? Don't get us wrong, we still think you're a righteous old broad. Anyone who can enrage the entire nation of China AND raise $10 million for AIDS in the SAME NIGHT is okay in our book. And we reiterate: we rather suspect you're a hilarious drunk.
But let us pause to ask the obv: whence the alarming menstrual hurricane ravaging your oft-displayed lady-hole? For the love of God, woman! Invest in a tube a vagisil; it's not expensive!
You look like (pick one):
- You made the unfortunate choice of hiring Donda West's plastic surgeon to oversee your vaginal rejuve job
- After a brief holiday on the Island of Doctor Moreau, a baboon butt has inconveniently materialized in place of your shame hole
- A publicity still from a Lifetime movie called "Not Without My Fetus: Portrait of a Socialite Do-It-Yourself Abortionist"
- Ms. July in the "Yeast Infection Babes of 2008" promotional calendar
- In a desperate attempt to cool off, you overzealously inched your clitoris fatefully close to a high-powered oscillating fan
- A wormhole has mysteriously appeared in your labia, offering all who venture near a chance to be transported to the Crab Nebula
- You lost a food fight at Tom and Katie's place on placenta au gratin night
- You're showcasing the winning design from that episode of Project Runway where the contestants had to produce a wearable evening gown from a whale sphincter
- Bloody hell.