Totally Exclusive!! A Peek Inside the "Jenna's Gettin' Hitched Barn Dance and Hootnanny"

CRAWFORD -- It was the most splendorous social event the Lone Star State had seen in years (no, not the sinkhole). The toughest ticket since the ATF-sponsored Branch Davidian weenie roast, Jenna Bush's Knot Tyin' Jamboree occurred under heavy security, with only the highest-ranking family members, friends and ex-Enron executives in attendance.

But of course one of our shameless moles was able to infiltrate the goings-on, disguised as an undocumented Mexarican cater-waiter. And he was able to report back on the biggest gathering of douchebag yahoos since the FoxNews company picnic. And here's a few magical moments he overheard and transcribed for your exclusive consideration:

THE VOWS:

JENNA: Henry, I'm totally like into being your squeeze and stuff. I remember when I was a little girl and my daddy took me on his knee. After coppin a feel, he said I'm prolly gonna get hitched before what's-her-name. My twin. Her name's on the tip of my tongue. That girl over there with the ugly face. The card-holding member of the Itty-Bitty-Titty-Committee. Oh yeah, Barbara. I totally forgot what I was sayin. I'm majorly psyched that from now on when I give your pants-meat a mouth hug in the back of a limo, the baby Jesus won't get his swaddling clothes all bunched up in his buttcrack. Last night my Mom knocked on my bedroom door. I was tokin' on some chronic doobage so I put it out and gargled with jean nate. She staggered in and sat on my bed, spilling her xanatini and totally ashing on my comforter. And she said that now that I'm hitched I gotta bend to your whim. Well, um, I'm not sure what a whim is but if it's anything like your sperm-barfing underoo viper, I'll like totally bend to it whenever. Unless I'm on my period or feeling farty.

HENRY: Jenna, you look hot. In that dress I can totally see your bodacious boobage. I've had a boner for you ever since I saw you passed out in your puke at that nightclub, those secret service dudes tryin to wake you up and stuff. Your skirt was up over your head and I could see your twat. Then the secret service dudes pulled your skirt back down and I almost creamed my Gap khakis. You totally look like your Daddy if he was like a tranny. I knew from that moment I wanted you for my wife so's we both could be like, rolling in dough. I'll even put up with your nasty grandma's crapola, just so long's I can do lines of booger sugar off your boobs and shove your ankles behind your ears at least four times a week and do to you what your daddy done to the country. Heh-heh...C*NT-tree. I said "c*nt." That's totally hilarious, dude.

OVERHEARD CONVERSATION: BUSH FAMILY WEDDING PORTRAIT

JENNA: Daddy, quit touchin my butt.
LAURA: Who are you?
BARBARA: I'm your daughter.
LAURA: Likely story. Where's security?
GEORGE: Where's my momma?
BARBARA: Gam-gam's yelling at the Mexicans.
GEORGE: I was a-scared she'd get in one of her moods when Daddy started cryin like a girl and she slapped his glasses across the lawn into a cow pie. Say, who's that skinny gal?
BARBARA: I'm your daughter.
JENNA: Hey, whore. You can arch your back like a Hustler centerfold all you want, your boobs still look like dried cherry tomatoes.
BARBARA: Shut up, tw*t...your dress looks like wadded up charmin and you smell like you've been frenching Barney.
JENNA: Mom, make the ugly one shut her yap.
LAURA: It was a lovely ceremony. I 'specially liked the acrobatic leprechauns.
GEORGE: How many Xanax you take, Pickles?
LAURA: That's Rainbows to know, and bunny rabbits to find out.
BARBARA: I wish that guy would take the damn picture.
GEORGE: Relax, what's-yer-face. Brownie's doin' a heck of a job.
LAURA: Who's this lady and why is she pressing her mcboobs into my shoulder?
BARBARA: I'm your daughter.
JENNA: You look like Olive Oyl with scoliosis.
LAURA: Nice to meet you, Miss Oyl. Could you take your thumb outa my buttcrack?
GEORGE: My bad.
LAURA: Cookie monster!