Coming this Fall: "Swee-tards" (Bonus: COWA Pitches New Reality Series!)

Whilst combing the interweb for something fresh to ridicule, we happened upon an item on TMZ. Apparently someone is developing a reality/dating show for mentally disabled folks, and posted an ad on craigslist for contestants. This makes perfect sense to us, because anyone who would respond to such an ad would qualify by default.

Okay. Even a person who—say, wears a helmet to bed—needs love. We were not unmoved by Shaun Cassidy's groundbreaking performance in "Like Normal People," wherein two people with the mental capacity of a sack of hammers meet and fall in love (remade decades later as "Sleepless in Seattle"). And while one might make the case that shows like "The Bachelor," "Flavor of Love," and "I Love New York" have saturated the "let's watch retards court each other" niche, we still can't help but feel there's something icky and exploitive about this. But of course, we'd TOTALLY watch it.

Below, we've provided not only an exclusive look at the projected winning couple (attained by our resourceful and amoral operatives), but have decided to pitch our own reality shows whose collective aim is to obliterate the remaining scraps of good taste from the American cultural landscape. Enjoy!

"SWEE-TARDS" PROJECTED WINNERS

NAME: Bipsy McGaw AGE: 72-and-a-half TURN ONS: Fingerpaints, Bugs Bunny, Fisting TURN OFFS: the boogeyman STATEMENT: One time I went down the slide at the park but I peed my pants so I got stuck. Then I played a game with the other kids called “I bet I can throw a rock at your face.” Cookie Monster!!

NAME: Doody Bandersnatch AGE: poop TURN ONS: poop TURN OFFS: poop STATEMENT: Cookie Monster!!

WAM'S REALITY SHOW PITCH-O-RAMA:

• "BASEMENT BITCHES" WITH JOSEPH FRITZL: Hosted by the gentleman who locked his daughter in the cellar for a decade or three, this show is "Big Brother" meets "Temptation Island" meets "Hogan's Heroes." Object: first one to tunnel out before giving birth to Fritzl's child wins a $5,000 shopping spree at Bed, Bath & Beyond.
• "I DIDN'T ORDER THAT" WITH RONALDO: Brazilian soccer star (or "football" star for you tedious Europeans) Ronaldo is stranded on a desert island with a dozen beauties, half of which are female while the other half has a platano tucked away in their bikinis. Each episode promises an eye-popping surprise in a daring new reality show that is part "Bachelor" and part "Snakes on a Plane."
• "WRINKLE FARM" WITH SHARON STONE: In a whacky cross between "Kid Nation" and "Cocoon," two dozen burdensome oldsters are trucked out to a delapidated ghost town in death valley and promptly abandoned. Hidden cameras are placed everywhere, and an increasingly inebriated Sharon Stone provides hilarious commentary.
• "HOMO/NOT A HOMO" WITH DINA MATOS-MCGREEVEY: Graduates of Exodus International Ministries' homo-be-gone reparative program are paired with desparate childless women of a certain age. A fascinating hybrid of "The Amazing Race" and "Brokeback Mountain," each couple dashes from circuit party to disco, broadway musical to sample sale in a mad-cap scavenger hunt. The first couple to conceive a child together wins a luxury cruise down de Nile river. Hosted by professionally outraged beard, Dina Matos-McGreevey.