WASHINGTON -- In 2003, a lawyer for the Justice Department by the paranoid name of John C. Yoo, wrote a lil memo (81 pages long, to be exact) about how torture-y the Prez can get with detained enemy combatants. It's a charming read, reminiscent of a Saw or Hostel sequel, wherein this colossally evil tw*t itemizes the sadistic things that can be done to our prisoners if given the green light by our much-adored commander in chief.
With numerous citations and footnotes, Yoo's opinion (which is tantamount to law, as the White House's Legal Council interprets the Constitution in order to determine how the Defense Department can conduct itself; see Abu Ghraib) is offered on an impressive laundry list of rude behavior. For instance, can we toss acid in a prisoner's face? Gouge out his eyes? Douse him in scalding water? Yes, claims Yoo, as long as it doesn't result in "death, organ failure, or serious impairment of bodily functions." Holy freakin' crap.
But lest we overhastily attack Yoo for his cold and callous ode to torture, we take this opportunity to introduce our devoted readers to Yoo's heretofore undiscovered warm and fuzzy side; in fact, Mr. Yoo has penned numerous unpublished Seuss-esque childrens books under the unlikely nom de plume Nurse Noose. And our unruly band of underground operatives has miraculously gotten its mitts on a partial manuscript of an enchanting book called "Yoo Smacks a Who." We've generously provided a glimpse below:
YOO SMACKS A WHO
In the faraway kingdom of Snugglety-Snort
On the outskirts of Zim and right next to Zagort
A dark dingy dungeon the color of poo
Held an insurgent-y hairy young Who
And on the instructions of Good King McSnert
I went to the dungeon to hand out some hurt
He was chained to a chair, he was nakedy nude
He was covered with hair, he was asking for food
His name was Mohammed Bobammed McGlop
And he smelled like a pile of gurglebeast plop
"Praise be to allah-boballa-kazoo!"
He snarled with a sneer, I knew what to do
I put on some gloves, I took off my hat
And conked him a bonk with my booger-ball bat
I gave him a noogie, I stomped on this toes
Shoved an ouchy magouch up his nostrily nose
I stapled his eyelids, drilled holes through his knees
Filled his mumble-y mouth up with bumble-y bees
I made fun of his mother, I poked out his eyes
Made him run with some scissors and slashed at his thighs
I opened the hole that he uses to poo
Inserted a ferret and sealed it with glue
I chopped off his wang, which I fed to a cat
Spanked him so hard that it hurt when he sat
I made him watch Oprah, I whacked off his head
Until he was acting all dirt-nappy dead
When in came a guard who announced with a frown
"The Who that you want is two dungeon doors down"