Now We're Cookin! Scaring Up Grub With Sticky-Fingers Cindy

WASHINGTON -- If there's anything that Cindy McCain likes to do, it's steal stuff. The spray-tanned Stepford Wife of super-ethical candidate John "Keating 5" McCain has a colorful rap sheet; she used the five-finger discount to procure a trunk load of "dolls" (specifically vicodin and percoset) from a charity. Once, she saw another woman's husband in the window, and simply could resist trying him on. And now, a double-whammy; she's swiped a page from Jessica Seinfeld's playbook by ripping off other people's recipes and claiming them as her own. Natch, the blame has fallen on a wayward "intern" (isn't it always an intern's fault?). While one might ask why these things weren't fact checked before being posted on McCain's website, we might also point out that one of the recipes also appeared in the New York Sun back in January.

But why make a brou-ha-ha over such silly fiddle-faddle? Always eager to help the unfairly maligned set the record straight, we coaxed the beer heiress out of her prescription-induced haze long enough to provide her actual favorite recipes, not previously published by the Food Network, Rachel Ray or on a box of Honey Bunches of Oats:

PERCOSET HAPPY BUNS
1 cup Special K
1/2 cup Egg Beaters
1/2 cup Sweet-n-Low
1 handful of Gummy-Bears
1 baker's dozen 50mg Percoset
1 dozen Trojan condoms with reservoir tips
Instructions:
Place Special K in a baggie, take off your Ferragamo pump and beat the baggie until the contents are reduced to dust (or until the empty feeling in your soul is numb). Blend in bowl with Sweet-n-Low, Gummy Bears and Egg Beaters. Grind 1 doz. Percoset with mortar and pestle, and wash the remaining Percoset down with a spritzer. Place mixture from bowl in condoms, tie off ends. Snip off reservoir with pruning shears, microwave on high for three minutes. Remove buns from condoms, sprinkle with Percoset dust. Serves 6. Enjoy!

VICODIN YUM-PIE
1 package diet Jello tapioca mix
1/2 dozen Tootsie Rolls, unwrapped
1/2 cup "This Can't Be Vegemite" sandwich spread
1/2 cup rendered bison fat
1/2 cup Beefeaters Gin, chilled
1 cup Frankenberry cereal
1 baker's dozen 50mg Vicodin
Instructions:
Crust: Place Frankenberries in a baggie and pulverize it to dust with either a Holy Bible or The Army Field Manual. Mix in a bowl with bison fat (rendered previous day, left out to congeal overnight). Spread in a 9-inch pie plate.
Filling: in a blender, puree "This Can't Be Vegemite" and diet tapioca mix. With mortar and pestle, grind 12 Vicodin to powder (wash the remaining Vicodin down with a spritzer). Mix Vicodin powder with gin, draw mixture into a syringe. Inject unwrapped Tootsie Rolls with gin/vicodin mixture. Pour TCBV/Tapioca mix into pie pan. Arrange infused Tootsie Rolls on pie in a happy face (or a frowny face, depending on hubby's poll numbers). Bake in oven pre-heated at 375 for 45 minutes (or until the vicodin kicks in and your fingers feel like licorice). Let cool. Serves 4. Hooray!!

OXYCONTIN "MOUNT RUSHMORE REDUX" ASPIC
10 lbs. sculptor's wax
10 lbs. plaster of paris
1 cup gelatin
1 cup bloody mary mix
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1/2 cup minced dates
1/2 cup Crisco shortening
1/4 cup chopped Twizzlers
1 baker's dozen Oxycontin
Instructions:
With sculptor's wax, sculpt a likeness of Mount Rushmore, with negro-lover Thomas Jefferson's face replaced by the craggy-saggy mug of my darling ancient husband. Submerge upside-down in a bucket of plaster of paris. Let sit until plaster hardens. Remove from bucket and melt the wax out with a blow torch. Saute minced dates in Crisco, stirring in bloody mary mix, Worcestershire sauce and chopped Twizzlers. Remove from heat. Stir in gelatin. Pour mixture into plaster mold, refrigerate. While it's chilling, grind 12 oxycontins with a mortar and pestle. Wash down remaining oxy with a spritzer. Take a nap. Upon awakening, remove mold from refrigerator and chisel away plaster with an ice pick. Pat clean with damp cloth. Place Mount Rushmore on a platter. Sprinkle oxycontin on top to simulate a light dusting of snow. Garnish with sprig of parsley. Serves 8. Slurp!!