Hi. My name is Suri (as in "sure he's the father?") Cruise (as in "Daddy's not here, Suri. He's Cruising Santa Monica Boulevard"). Sometimes it's hard to be a kid. Like when Daddy sends Mommy to the Scientology place so lizard aliens can put babies in her tummy. Then Daddy invites pool boy to his bedroom to play a game called "The Hippy Slippy Sausage Dance." They say it's a secret and if I tell Mommy he'll sell me to a fat witch called Curse-y Allie who will put me in an oven and eat me like hansel and gretel. Oh, and sometimes they make me have play time with a nasty baby called Shiloh. Shiloh is sad because her mommy doesn't like her. But Shiloh has a funny zoo in her basement. The animals look like negro dollies. They are Shiloh's pets. Sometimes they cry. And sometimes their Mommy takes them for a walk if they match her dress.
So I decided to look for fun things kids can do when their Daddy is playing naked rodeo with a cowboy named Buttsteak LaRue, or if Mommy's gone shopping for new babies in Malawi. And I found oodles and oodles of fun games and toys!
- HIDE THE NOGGIN: There's a place called Scotland where Daddies wear dresses and really really really like riding bikes. Sometimes they like to rip out a sheep's tummy and cut its heart into itsy bitsy pieces and put them in its stomach and boil its face off. Then they cook it into yummy food! It's like Little Bo Peep! Daddy says it tastes like something called placenta that falls on the floor when babies slide down Mommy's icky-hole. And sometimes the kids play a fun game called "hide the noggin." That's when you take a person's noggin and put it in a bag and hide it. Then a kid finds it and wins! Yay!
- SILLY KILLY PUPPET SHOWS: My Mommy says there's a place called Palace-time. It's a place where Daddies wear dresses and put funny table cloths on their noggins. And kids get to wear ker-pow clothes under their coats that go KER-POW! After that, they go to a place with lots of toys. And they also have Silly Killy Puppet Shows on TV! One show had a kid-puppet play stabby fun knife game with man-puppet called Mean Mister Bush! Oh and one time they play "let's cut off noggin of mickey mouse" game. That's silly!! I wish Sesame Street was killier. Cookie Monster could shank Elmo. Elmo has it coming.
- MISS BIMBO: There's a place called England where grown-ups bet on baby-fights and put poo on their cakes. But don't be sad, they have a really fun game! It's called Miss Bimbo. It teaches little girls everything they need to know. Like if you throw up after eating your froot loops and get a fun bouncy toy called a "boob job", maybe a rich boy will like you. But only if you put out.
- ZIPPY ZAPPY FUN SCHOOL: Sometimes a kid acts like a retard, so his mommy and daddy take him to a doctor who says the kid has a disease called Odd-ism. Then the kid gets packed off to a funny school where they get hooked up to wires and the teachers shock them when they act too odd. Yippee!
- BIBLE MAN: Most boys like to play in the mud and shoot bb guns at kitty cats. But some boys like to wear purple scarves and lip-sync to Beyonce and play with Barbie dolls. And sometimes when a Mommy or Daddy sees their boy playing with a Barbie doll they think their boy has naughty thoughts about fannies and is going to hell. That's why there's a new toy called Bible Man! He has a Sword of Spirit and a Belt of Truth! And he's really muscle-y with bluge-y arms and a basket of serpents in his purple underoos! If anything can de-sissify your fairy-boy son, Bible Man can!!