Today's Hump-Day brings us a charming potpourri of true stories that either involve people under the influence of whacky-tobacky, or are bound to make you wish you were tokin' on some devil reefer. Smoke 'em if you got 'em!!
- GIGGLEGAN'S ISLAND: Dawn Wells, who played the hillbilly half of "and the rest" on Gilligan's Island, was busted in Idaho for holding hooch. When we recall that her currently dirt-napping co-star (erstwhile Maynard G. Krebs-portrayer Bob Denver), was famously busted for ordering ganja via FedEx, one begins to suspect the underlying reason the motley crew evaded rescue. The professor was busy making bamboo bongs while the Skipper and Thurston where busily "puff-puff-passing" with a couple of rastafarian head hunters in the hemp hut. We always quite liked Mary Ann, and this news makes us like her more. Remember when she tripped over a rock and conked her noggin and believed upon awakening that she and Ginger had swapped bodies? Remember when Ginger and Mary Ann and Lovie formed a spectacularly retarded girl group called the Honeybees and got their shake-a-licious groove on while singing "You Need Us"? (you simply MUST click here to relive that campy moment of TV gold) The fact that Mary Ann (and the rest) were on Mary Jane goes a long way towards explaining truly idiotic and vaguely homoerotic (can we say "I'll take the top bunk, little buddy?") show.
- CREEPY GNOME TERRORIZES ARGENTINA: One wonders what Jose Alvarez was smoking when he and a group of his closest amigos were hanging out on the stoop when the Travelocity Gnome emerged from the bushes and advanced on the group in that menacing skippy gate that invades our nightly slumber with eerie gnome nightmares. Mr. Alvarez filmed the alarming incident on his cell phone, the footage of which is currently being scrutinized by a crackerjack team of gnomologists, which theorize that the psychotic lawn ornament in question might in fact be a maladjusted midget under the influence of a sinister cult. Related: Tom Cruise enjoys an Argentinian getaway.
- THE GREAT JOHN DENVER KARAOKE MASSACRE: When Weenus Chumkamnerd (now officially our favorite name ever) politely asked a karaoke party in Thailand to put a cork in their ear-raping renditions of John Denver's "Take Me Home, Country Roads," (or, this being Thailand, should that be "Cuntly Loads"?) they should have paid attention. Because when Weenus' warnings went unheeded and their tone-deaf stylings further decimated Mr. Denver's ode to "West Virginia, Mountain Momma," Mr. Chamkamnerd quite sensibly produced a gun and pumped the partygoers' fannies full of lead, squeezing off rounds until his hand cramped. Eight were killed. We admire his restraint.
- OOPSIES: Ever have that nagging feeling you may have forgotten something? Like, you might have left the oven on, or you forgot you'd set the baby on top of the minivan before you burned rubber out of the WalMart parking lot? There's a retarded bailiff from Arkansas who can relate. One peaceful Thursday afternoon, in the sleepy (but dazzling) hamlet of Fayetteville, police picked up one Adriana Torres-Flores for having the bad taste to walk around town looking Hispanic. Ms. Torres-Flores was promptly thrown into a courthouse holding cell by a bailiff, who shortly thereafter went home to enjoy a long weekend, made longer by a debilitating snow storm. Except the bailiff (and everyone else) up and forgot about her. Left without food, water or restroom facilities for four days, when the bailiff finally unlocked her cell, Ms. Torres-Flores had mysteriously transformed into Pete Dougherty.
- JAPAN UNVEILS THE WHOW: Under attack from Greenpeace and other tree-hugging hippy f*ggots, Japan has gotten its kimono in a knot defending its habit of acting a tad killy towards those gentle giants of the sea, the whales. The humpback holocaust is justified, they claim, by the many scientific experiments conducted over the course of 7,000 whale killings. Unfortch, the experiments they're conducting are a tad Dr. Moreau-ish; they've been injecting whale sperm into cow eggs. That's right, bitches...the nation that gave us Hello Kitty, Pokemon, Gamera and the Pizzicato 5, was trying to unleash a cow/whale hybrid (aka whow). One shudders at the thought of the pitiful/horrifying creature that is sure to result from this misguided promethean enterprise. Will buckaroos round up stampeding sperm whales? Will cows swallow ornery jewish boys? Whatever the resulting monster, one can be certain it will destroy Tokyo.