Pyongyang -- Early today, the New York Philharmonic Orchestra landed in Pyongyang North Korea, marking the first time American musicians have played in this insular kingdom since Eisenhower's boys played their farewell performance of the Shrapnel Symphony in D.
As the musicians emerged from the plane, woodwinds in their hot little clutches, scores of North Korean "minders" met them, their faces lit up with the kind of dazzling smile only the threat of a one-way ticket to a gulag can inspire.
A dozen North Korean school children stood by, holding bouquets of roses, standing upright in their crisp uniforms, each handpicked for this occasion for their cuteness, dimples, and willingness to sell their grandmother up the river for the sake of Dear Leader.
Following an ear-splitting fanfare blasting through a circa 1948 loudspeaker, the tallest child marched up to Conductor Lorin Maazel, and issued the following welcome statement, knowing full well that DPRK guards stood by ready to drag her behind the terminal and bust a cap in her noggin if she stammered, forgot her lines, or failed to sufficiently demonstrate her adoration for Kim Jong Il:
"We make happy to saying welcome to glorious nation of Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea! Dear Leader is wanting to extend smiley-lucky florals to sad poopy imperial oboists and frowny unlucky violin peoples! Today is big historical, and you to lay official florals at foot of statue of Dear Leader! Yay! Then to happy fun tour of Yankee Soldier bloody skeleton museum! We the happy lucky fun peoples of DPRK not to have starvy freezy fun-famine! We not to eating bark noodles or dog patties! We have iPod!!! When we to conclude our happy hello we make gift of super fun blindfolds for ride in funny bumpy bus! We to feed you yummy happy Korean foodstuffs of rice with rice on top! But before we to embark on funny smiley bus, we happy childrens are to sing laughy fun traditional songy song that Dear Leader write just for you!"
(signing to the tune of "Happy Talk" from South Pacific)
Kim Jong Il write funny happy song
It's about how you lost the war
You used to eating poop
But we'll serve doggy soup (woof-woof!)
You the ones we build the nukies for!
You play evil song
We pretend we like
Then you watch our army make parade
You admit you wrong
We make fun of Ike
Then we make the rice for iPod trade
Kim Jong Il write lucky happy song
It's about how you stupid yanks
We dance Korean jigs
For you imperial pigs
We're nukies now and we have you to thanks
We play funny jokes
Pee-pee in your Cokes
Then we tour museum of yankee bones
You pretend not see
Our starvy freezy folks
When you go we give you back your phones
Kim Jong Il write laughy happy song
It's the best song you'll ever know
Too bad you lost the war
And don't let that screen door
Hit you on your fanny when you go