We hesitate to interrupt you in the middle of your enchanting interpretive dance routine. Looking at you, it all makes perfect sense to us why paleolithic interviewess Barbara Walters deemed you one of the 10 most fascinating people alive. For instance, we are fascinated by your Cindy-Lou Who flower-sprouting bun hairdo and your Logan's Run carousel uniform ("renew! renew!"). We are also bewitched by your new Scientology-issued Gucci placenta tote (sometimes a gal feels peckish).
But we're a tad frightened by your post audit transformation from tacky vapid spice girl to Xenu's personal dancing slave girl. We admire the ingenuity of cinching a bedsheet with a black knee-high stocking over the pair of white Daisy Dukes worn by Sandy Duncan when she was binging on Wheat Thins in the middle of a field. But at the end of the day you look like Miss July in the Babes of Heaven's Gate 2008 Calendar.
You look like (pick one):
- Tinky-Winky's scandalous aunt, Icky Vicky
- During an ill-advised jaunt through a telepod, you were fused at the molecular level with a pansy
- An ostracized muse from Xanadu by the name of Chlamydia, who, because of her ghastly fashion sense, insufferable personality and offensive feminine aroma has been barred from roller-discoing at the occasion of Olivia Newton-John's career suicide
- Your wig, in a desparate attempt to separate itself from your retarded brain, has spontaneously sprouted a helicopter rotor and is attempting to flee your noggin
- You're rehearsing for the Scientology Dinner Theater's dazzling production of "Flower Drum Song"
- An illustration from Dr. Seuss' aborted adult-themed book called "Who Humped the Who?"
- You're testing the waters before taking a refreshing swim in Lake Fug
- Bloody hell.