How's about a nice cold glass of milk? Goodness, a vodka stinger? Coming right up.
Listen, we need to chat. We'd surmise you're in a rather fragile emotional state. After all, in the last few weeks, your daddy took a dirt nap, Larry King ambushed you on CNN, and you lost a dancing competition to a lip-syncing ho and an overzealous chauffeur.
We can only imagine the surreal life you've led. You grew up with 97,000 siblings. You starred in a bizarre variety show wherein you engaged your brother Donny in oddly incestuous marital bickering. And we're periodically terrorized by repressed memories that occasionally jump from the shadows of our disturbed psyche: we're back in 1975, staring with slack-jawed horror at the television as you and brother Donny skate out in neon spandex and perform aggressively retarded ice dancing routines at the top of every show.
Yet when America grew tired of your family's Pepsodent toothiness and consigned you to the compost heap of '70s kitsch, you withdrew. During this sad hermitage you yo-yo-ed between attempting suicide and making creepy devil dolls. And sometimes we start to question whether you and Dawn Wells (Mary-Ann from Gilligan's Island) are actually the same person, much like Imelda Marcos and Kim Jung Il. After all, Mary-Ann, like yourself, was a little bit country.
So when you rose, phoenix-like, from the ashes of oblivion to mambo your way back into our hearts on "Dancing with the Stars," we were totally in your corner (my mom, and this is no lie, had "vote for Marie" on speed-dial). And although you unfortunately felt compelled to validate the Book of Mormon, which says in Moroni Chapter 9, verse 16 that "Old women do faint," we never much worried about your mental state. That is, until you appeared in this creepy baby-doll get-up and performed a horrifying pas de deux. Holy crap, that's scary.
You look like (pick one):
- Holly Hobby after being turned out by the meanest pimp in Candyland to turn tricks with pervy gingerbread men under the candy-cane bridge
- You went on a meth binge and decided to become the Mormon Tammy Faye Bakker
- Your soul has been possessed by one of your creepy dolls, in much the same way Karen Black's soul was possessed by a scary voo-doo doll in that movie where Karen Black is possessed by a scary voo-doo doll
- You're in rehearsals for the Dried Out Whore Dinner Theater's dazzling production of "The Wizard of Oz"
- Key note speaker at the Drag Queens for Romney fund raiser
- You're promoting your new movie "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane 2: The Electric Boogaloo"
- Bloody hell.
PS. Please, please for the love of God...tell your brother he's not a little bit rock n' roll.