Dear Most Honorable Mr. President Bush (and Your Lesbian Negro Secretary of the State Condoleeza of the Rice):
It come to our most unfortunate awareness that the evil poop-eating Dalai Lama is to get gold star by your congress peoples! This unlucky bad news!! Dalai Lama is ornery and uncooperative lady-man who dare to say Tibet not happy to bask under China's super fun fist! He rabble-rouse the Tibet peoples with hostile message of compassion and lead the peoples down dangerous path of peace! He tell fat lies about China peoples locking Tibet peoples in cage to make them do the silly funny cattle-prod dance! That is counter-revolutionary dirty fib! Dalai Lama is the ugly mean poopy face!
Mr. President, it also make us to irritate furiously that you let Dalai Lama into the round room in the Caucasian House! It make very serious grave sad impact on China's happy fun friendship with Yankee Doodle USA! We demand with rising voice and stompy-stompy feets that bald old Buddhist not come in your house! He bad feng shui! If we to see photos on interweb of Dalai Lama playing Yahtzee with Nancy Pelosi, we be so so so angry!! That make very bad stink with us!
So what happen if you arrogant peoples to be nice with evil sad unlucky Dalai Lama? If he go to Congress peoples for to get the gold star, then go to sit in your house to eat cheetohs and to watch Betty Who's Ugly Show, what will China do? Ah, that is for China to know and for you to not! Maybe China not to let our productive childrens go to Nike factory for making Air Jordans! Then superfly rap-hopper negros have no shoes for to break the dance! Ha ha! Maybe China make American athletes at Olympics to stay near frowny lake with smell that makes them to vomit and cause the nerve damage!
Okay fine, rude Buddhist go to your house. Tell him message from us. Tell him that if Tibet is not part of mother China, then why do our happy fun re-education camps be chock-full of Tibet peoples learning the funny laughing cattle prod dance?
Yours in upsetty concern,
Foreign Ministry Spokesman Liu Jianchao
P.S. How is the wife? We are to hear she stick nose all up in Myanmar's grill. Whose turn today to wear the testicles in your house? Ha ha.