NEW YORK, NY -- Yom Kippur is upon us, and given that we are of the gentile persuasion, we would like to take this opportunity to...um...okay, we know we're not supposed to say "happy Yom Kippur" cause it's supposed to be all somber and serious and you have to fast and stuff (which, frankly, never sounded like much of a holiday to us, but hey...knock yourselves out). On the flip side, it sounds equally inappropriate to wish you a miserable Yom Kippur. A Jewish friend once instructed us to say "easy fast," but that sounds phony as well; we doubt it's supposed to be easy, and "easy fast" sounds suspiciously like we're encouraging you to cheat. Perhaps what we should do is discreetly slip you a Xanax and an Oreo with a knowing, friendly smile, and be done with it.
And another thing, Jews. You have so many odd holidays and customs. We've never understood why your menfolk tie black boxes to their noggins (or why we're too embarrassed to ask why there's a black box tied to their noggins). Or why a bitch can't fix her face when she's in mourning (that verges on sadism in our book). But perhaps the biggest mystery to us is the profoundly bizarre ritual of Kapparot. Kapparot (to those whose closest brush with Judaism was playing an Anatevkite their high school production of Fiddler on the Roof where Tevye was played by that fat Irish kid from marching band), is a ritual wherein Orthodox Jewish Men choke their chicken (quite literally) as they pray to G-d for their sins to be transferred to the bird.
First of all, we ponder whether the chicken in question is simultaneously celebrating its own holiday wherein its Avian Flu is transferred to the Jew. But that's quite beside the point. Why a chicken? For instance, if a Jew has no access to a live chicken, may he transfer his sins to a kitty-cat? Is a goldfish an improper receptacle for Jewish transgression? If so, why? Can a city Jew transfer his sins to a McNugget? Could some poor schlemazel wave a Perdue skinless breast about and call it a day? And does one eat the chicken afterward? What does a chicken taste like when it's stuffed with Jewish sins? Is that like Stove Top? It hardly sounds kosher.
Don't get me wrong, Jews. Other religions are just as retarded, if not more so. Zoroastrians long to be eaten by vultures. Shiites beat their heads with sabers (a highly unpleasant notion which brings new meaning to "damned if you do, damed if you don't"). Catholics kneel on rice and see virgins in tortillas. And perhaps most barbaric of all, my people (the Presbyterians) attend potlucks where we eat lime jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise (it makes one shudder).
I suppose it all boils down to one remaining question: why can't I leave work early today too??
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND, BITCHES!
P.S. Have an easy fast