BEIJING -- To many of us in the west, the quaint customs of China seem more than a little odd. This is the country that, until a few short decades ago, considered it sexy to wrap a bitch's feet in silk until her dogs turned into petite clumps of gangrenous flesh at the end of their ankles. And recently, when some chick went to the doctor complaining of abdominal pain, it was discovered that her grandparents had been shoving needles into her tummy for years in an attempt to slowly kill her. In fact, the widespread infanticide inspired by the one-child policy has led to a bride shortage so intense that many families are selling their lil' girls into marriage at the age of five. We find that a tad peculiar. And below, we've included an abreviated potpourri of bizarre news items to escape the jaundiced scrutiny of China's totally transparent, entirely humane government:
- FAT AND COOL: In China's dazzling Jiangsu province, seven enormous broads (ranging in weight 230 lbs to "dayum, bitch!") have formed a dance company called "Fat and Cool." While we appreciate the entertainment value of watching these rolly-poly bitches strain the floorboards as they huff and puff through awkwardly executed fan kicks and tour-jetes, we believe their chosen name is a bit of a misnomer; as pictured in their Lane Bryant penguin outfits, they look anything but cool. In fact, just looking at this picture fills us with an inexplicable urge to airlift a crate of dress shields and Masengil products to Jiangsu.
- BAD ETIQUETTE: In China's dazzling Hunan province, a man invited thirty of his closest friends to dinner. They gathered at a local restaurant and sat down to break bread together in brotherhood and fellowship. And then their host blew them up. Perhaps someone made a rude suggestion regarding his pu-pu platter.
- NASTY BUNS: In China's dazzling Gansu province, 260 kindergarten kids are in the hospital after their school fed them e. coli-infected buns for breakfast. The school's cafeteria manager is currently second-guessing his decision to marinate the buns in pig poo.
- WHAT EXPLOSION?: When Bo Xilai was named its governor, he declared that there would be nothing but good news in China's dazzling Liaoning province. Unfortch, a bomb tore through a karaoke bar/massage parlor/casino shortly thereafter, killing scores (if not hundreds) of people. The government reacted by ordering the locals to pretend it never happened. Even as they were picking glass shards from their skin, neighbors who so much as talked about it amongst themselves were quickly rounded up by the police. Reporters who defied orders not to investigate the event were confronted by townsfolk who refused to acknowledge the enormous crater in the epicenter of their sleepy hamlet. Merely admitting the crater's existence earned a one way ticket to a happy fun torture camp and a thrilling odyssey through the purgatory of China's super-fair and totally efficient court system.