BURBANK, CA -- Maureen McCormick, yesteryear's Marcia Brady and current reality show fat person, has penned a breathlessly-awaited tell-all entitled "Here's the Story." Apparently, according to details leaked to The National Enquirer, Marcia and Jan (aka Eve Plumb) stole precious moments on the set where they hoisted their plaid polyester skirts over their heads for a few frantic sessions of nubile muff spelunking. This, in addition to previously confirmed rumors of Carol and Greg engaging in mom-on-son hippity-dippity, reveals a new image of the Brady household as a disgusting den of incestuous depravity. In fact, when taping stopped for the day and the network censors went home, legend has it that the cast, using super-8 cameras, filmed several vile episodes that were made available only to wealthy and well-connected Hollywood perverts (i.e., Merv Griffin, Agnes Moorhead, Sebastian Cabot, et al). And wouldn't you know it, our ubiquitous spy ring has gotten its hands on a few of the plot summaries:
ALICE EARNS HER BROWNIE BUTTON: When Alice exposes herself to Cindy's Brownie troop, Sam the butcher anally punishes the zaftig housekeeper with an enormous sausage from his butcher shop. Mike walks in on the spectacle, frees the Brownies from their cages, and gives Sam a rusty trombone. Carol fries up the sausage and feeds it to her children. When Peter remarks that the sausage tastes like ass, Carol and Mike exchange knowing smiles.
'ONLY TWO AT A TIME ON THE FAMILY SLING': Bored with playing "post office," Bobby and Cindy decide to play "gay bathhouse." Peter and Greg get in on the fun, taking turns in the sling and alternately fisting and felching each other. When Marcia straps on a dildo and jumps into the pile, the sling breaks. Mike punishes his children by jamming sounds up their peeholes and giving them enemas. The contrite kids devise a plan to buy a new, sturdier sling by whoring Bobby out to a visiting convention of Catholic priests.
JAN'S PURPLE NURPLES: When Jan walks in on Carol pooping on Mike's face, Carol gets embarrassed; that is, until Jan reveals she didn't see anything because she wasn't wearing her glasses. Carol punishes Jan by taking her to the garage torturing her with the station wagon by attaching jumper cables to her nipples. Jan's screaming wakes Alice up, who goes to investigate. On her way to the garage, she stumbles upon Greg in the living room, violating Jack (the beloved family pet) with his fist and a can of crisco. Hilarity ensues.