WASHINGTON, DC -- Our Godly nation has been blessed with a bounty of morally upstanding, godly Republican geezers who hate fags, support our troops, believe in family values, and loathe the Mexi-rican hoards swarming over our vulnerable borders to steal our jobs and impregnate our daughters. In fact, these folks stand for the kind of stuff where, if you stand against them, well you're an unpatriotic pervert with a boner for Bin Laden. Now, following in the tradition of the Promise Keepers, a new club with stringent eligibility requirements has formed, the members of which like to throw words around like "family," "God," "troops," "morality," and "
blow job" like pies in a Marx Brothers movie. Welcome to the inner sanctum of the Log Cabin Promise Keepers. Its esteemed members: Mark Foley, Bob Allen, Larry Craig, Ted Haggard and Jeff Gannon. Below, find the minutes from their most recent meeting, rescued from the paper shredder by one of our ruthless underground operatives.
- Minutes taken by club secretary Jeff Gannon.
- Meeting was called to order in the gimp stall in the men's room at the Ronald Reagan International Airport, at 11:04 pm on 8/23/07.
- Old business: we hate homos. We hate immigrants (except for swarthy pool boys). We support our troops (especially the swarthy grunts with heat seeking missiles in their GI Joe underoos). We honor our wives and tolerate their icky ladyparts. The surge is working. We hate homos.
- US Senator Larry Craig (and erstwhile Mitt Romney campaigner) motioned to take the throne, second-motioned by Bob Allen. Senator Craig complained about the preponderance of undercover police in airport men's rooms, making it increasingly difficult to honor his wife by giving rusty trombones to randy salesmen on layover. Florida State Representative Bob Allen said "preach it, Mary!" Ex-Congressman Mark Foley suggested drafting legislation setting aside one stall in every public mens room for the express purpose of rusty tromboning, felching, dirty sanchezing and ass-spelunking (aka Congressional Page Orientation). Such stalls should provide condom dispensers, amyl nitrate machines, lube packets, slings, assorted buttplugs and copies of US News and World Report.
- Marine-Sodomite-for-Dollars (and erstwhile member of the White House Press Corps), Jeff Gannon motioned to take the throne. Motion seconded by Mark "chicken-hawk" Foley. Gannon suggested that the members of the LCPK do an "elephant walk" for ceremonial bonding purposes. It was soon discovered that lack of space in the cripple stall prohibited the activity. Allen proposed a good old fashioned daisy chain instead, which commenced without incident until Ted Haggard burst into tears and remained inconsolable until Gannon convinced him that Jesus doesn't lurk about in toilets spying on believers.
- Florida State Representative (and erstwhile John McCain campaigner) Bob Allen motioned to take the throne, seconded by Ted Haggard. Allen opined that Gannon's man-meat was a delicious spitting viper of desire, but that Foley could stand to douche his oopsy-hole in a more thorough manner. Allen then asked if anyone had a wet-nap. Craig provided wet-naps all around.
- Ted Haggard, man-o-God and methamphetamine aficionado made a motion to take the throne, seconded by Larry Craig. Haggard motioned to declare Mike Jones a Tattle-Tale Poopy Pants. Motion agreed to unanimously. Haggard asked if anyone had any crystal. Haggard and Gannon proceeded to snort lines of tina off Allen's pendulous bitch-rack.
- No further motions. Jeff Gannon led the members in a moment of Godly prayer, during which the LCPK pledged allegiance to the Republican Party, reflected on the sanctity of marriage, meditated on how much we hate homos and prayed to Jesus to stop making us do the hippity dippity dance with blabbermouths.
- Meeting called to close with ceremonial soggy biscuit ritual.
- Meeting adjourned, 11:38 p.m. by obnoxious Iraq war vet/double amputee knocking on gimp stall door.