Sino-file: Millions of Tots Face Potential Maiming/Brain Injury From Super Happy Chinese Toys!

SITTON DONG, China -- According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, China has been exporting some slightly deadly toys to the U.S. (including poisonous trains, exploding fake eyeballs, deadly drum sets, etc.). This comes as no surprise to us, as the super happy genocide-funding nation of China has recently shipped poisonous dog chow, lethal toothpaste and killer vitamins (and seems to have a rather nasty vendetta against the poor people of Panama).

Thankfully the killer toy problem was nipped in the bud. Other rather unsafe toys now stalled in the development stage include:

• Baby's Lucky Glo-in-the-Dark Teething Ring! (filled with glass shards and plutonium)
• The Happy Lil' Dinosaur's Box o' Asbestos!
• Yummy Fun Sour Grape Shrapnel-pops!
• Super Happy Landmine Hopscotch!
• Fallun Gong Freida's Kidney Harvesting Set (Bamboo shims included)
• Silly Fun Acid Tag! Yay!

But really, don't Chinese children have better things to do with their time than laughing and playing like the sad frowny counter-revolutionary layabouts they are?

Come on, those millions of ugly-ass Olympics Souvenirs aren't going to manufacture themselves, are they? Put down your poisonous train sets my mini-comrades! Child Labor Makes Chairman Mao Smile!!