PROVO, UT -- The most retarded convention ever occurred at the gorgeous Canyon View Junior High School Auditorium last weekend, festooned by cheerful, handpainted and quaintly misspelled banners, reading "Welcome, Utah Countie Republikins!" [sic] hung amongst the set for the senior class' spring production of "Lil' Abner."
Below are actual quotes from the convention's speakers:
"Immigrants hate Americans, they control the media and are conspiring with Democrats to destroy this country by creating a godless new world order"
-- Don Larson, Chairman Utah Cty Rep. Party, 5th District
"Immigrants are Marxist and possessed by Satan"
-- Joe (last name withheld from the "Central Utah Daily Herald")
"Immigrants should stay out cause they're not going to speak English or become Republicans."
-- Some Stupid Twat (name withheld from the "Central Utah Daily Herald")
One wonders why names were withheld. Hmmm. State Senator Howard Stephens spoke against a proposed resolution that held immigrants to be devil worshippers, saying "This only gives fodder to the liberal media to give negative attention to the Republican party." Indeed. And by "liberal media" he means non-superstitious clear thinking adults with opposable thumbs. Suddenly the crowd errupted in thunderous applause, as the inbred polygamous yokels of Utah learned they had overtaken Alabama as the most retarded state in the country.
RELATED: In a misguided attempt to prove he's "A Little Bit Rock n' Roll," Donnie Osmond drank milk from the carton and sassed his mom.