Greetings fellow Clams of Teegeeack! Um...I mean hi! I really just wanna say hi and tell you that my womb has totally NOT been hijacked by the Church of Scientology for their use as a thetan incubator. That's just a nasty rumor. I am only a mediocre actress who has been selected by the Completely Heterosexual Cruise-Thetan™ to be his loving Wife-unit/Procreation Enabler. I still own a controlling share of my uterus, according to my Scientology-approved attorney.
Okay, so Tom's hired a gigolo or fifty to play a few innocent rounds of "pack the poop." So what? He's frequently saying complimentary things about my breasts. And I'm told that he totally had sex with my vagina while I was all passed out after watching that scary movie with Mia Farrow. Nine months later, my tummy was all swollen and I must have taken a nap cause when I awoke I was encircled by Scientology Chaperones who were chanting to Xenu while pulling latex skin over a humanoid lizard and snapping a baby wig on its noggin. Tom was there, smiling sweetly into my eyes while he devoured the placenta. That's when they told me I had to refer to the humanoid lizard baby as Surri.
Tom says I hafta hug it and kiss it. I'm getting used to that. And the Surri-thing has stopped trying to shove its slimy blue egg-laying appendage into my ear. I hate that! It tickles! LOL!!
And to you pre-clears out there who are being all critical of Scientology, acting like it's not the most bitching religion, like, ever! Shut up!! I'm like totally happy and stuff! For reals!!
Please oh please read through the lines and save me from this horrible place...they keep trying to make devil lizard babies grow in my tummy and when they pop out most of them are rejects and they toss the screaming creatures into a Cuisinart and make protein shakes for the Tom-Thetan! My family is shackled in the dungeon of the Telluride compound with diodes implanted in their brains. They're being kept in tanks in a suspended state, being used as bio-bateries to channel the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard! Wait...I think someone's listening. Maybe I've said too m